


Sleepover at April's

by FluidEli123



Series: Figuring it Out [1]
Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, April O'neil is the best ever, Autism Spectrum, Childhood Memories, Donnie is Autistic, Donnie is a person with Autism, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Flashbacks, Gen, Gender Issues, Genderqueer, LGBTQ Themes, Leo also has Insomnia, Leo has Anxiety, Light Angst, Multiplicity/Plurality, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Queer Themes, Self-Esteem Issues, TCEST DNI, Turtle Tots (TMNT), Wholesome Times, big sister figure april, but mostly just feels and awesome times, lesbian april o'neil, no longer lightly angsty, questioning leo, raph has a plural system, soft times, this has angst now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:34:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26221210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluidEli123/pseuds/FluidEli123
Summary: One day, Leo swiftly decides to hangout with his best friend, April, who is always more than welcome to let the red-eared slider in for a good time. This time, though, the turtle needs help, and April is more than willing to do just that.However, something isn't right. And Leo's learning very quickly that this problem won't be fixed as easy as he had originally thought.
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & April O'Neil & Raphael & Splinter | Lou Jitsu, Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael & Splinter (TMNT), Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Leonardo & April O'Neil (TMNT), Leonardo & Splinter | Lou Jitsu
Series: Figuring it Out [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904341
Comments: 41
Kudos: 104





	1. Hangout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April and Leo are just chilling, that is until Leo starts acting weird.

"Wait, wait, wait, so he thought you stole his lunch even though you had never spoken to him?" Leo repeated, unable to believe what April had just told him. "Or, really, done anything even just, involving this guy? And he decides to blame you for his pack of lunch disappearing and even decides to push you from your seat because of it?" 

The simple amused smile and nod from April was all Leo needed to continue on his rant. 

"Oh, come on!" He scoffs, irritation slowly tinting his words the more he spoke. "I don't care that this guy was a fifth-grader. That is so uncalled for! I mean, it's one thing to be suspicious of who could've taken your lunch, maybe even a bit angry when asking who had it. But, accusing the first person you saw, and then getting physical with them for no reason, even if that reason was over lunch- that's an extreme jump to make!"

Over the past few hours, April and Leo have been exchanging stories they haven't heard from each other yet. The two were having a one-on-one sleepover at Aprils, a rare occurrence since all the turtle brothers would usually jump at the chance to hang out with their human best friend. The only reason they all weren't here right now was that Leo had been the one to ask April privately if they were able to sleepover, later informing his father he'd be heading over. Which had, of course, confused his father quite a bit, plus his brothers when they overheard, since they always slept over at Aprils together. However, after a bit of explaining of just wanting to hang out with her alone and fixing the misunderstanding that he had _not_ forced April to not invite the rest of them. Leo eventually had his brothers and father letting him go, though only after the promise of getting some of April's sugar cookies and an apology for not telling them beforehand.

"Yeah, true," April replied, playing with a loose string on her nightgown. "But the guy got a trip to the office before I could even get up off the floor. I had a few small bruises from how hard he pushed me to the ground, a little shaken up too since I just got shoved by someone two grades above me. But Ms. Gonzalez had helped me to her classroom and gave me some sweet lollipops, so it wasn't all so bad." 

Leo made a face at what had happened to her when she was younger, feeling bothered that someone would do that to his best friend. "Yeah, but that still sucks, and it still makes me mad someone would even do that to a third-grader." 

"Yeah, yeah, be mad all you want, but it happened," April said, waving her hand in a shooing motion towards Leo, her amused smile growing. It was always pleasant having the turtles be concerned for her, as long as it wasn't too overbearing. "But it's your turn now, so spill the tea. What's the absolute worst thing that happened during lunch-hour when you were a kid?" 

Leo hugged the unicorn-themed pillow closer to his chest, placing his chin on the plush object, thinking for a moment. "I think I was about, maybe five or six, and Splinter had gone out to go search for some more food for us to eat for lunch since we ran out. When he got back, he was limping and was holding his side. It scared me and my brothers half to death when he almost tripped over the toys we didn't clean up, which was what he told us to do when he left. Turns out, Dad hurt himself pretty badly. I don't remember how, but falling over our toys wouldn't have helped at all." Leo paused, looking away from April and down at his sock-covered toes for a moment. "Yeah, that had to be the worst lunch ever. We were all too worried over Dad to even want to eat the cereal he found." 

April nodded, patting his shoulder comfortingly. "Yeah," April said, her tone now soft and understanding. "I knew you guys had to stay down in the sewers when Splints had to go up top sometimes, but I didn't know something like that happened."

Leo gives her a bit of a sad lop-sided smile, "Yeah, well, it happens sometimes," April simply nods in agreement as Leo sits up straighter, letting her hand fall off his shoulder while brushing off the gloomy feelings that came with remembering that memory. "But anyway, no more angsty childhood stories." He points accusingly at her, his grin back full force, making April's smile return as well. "I've been angry and sad enough for one night after talking about events like that for almost an hour, and would rather ask the question." 

"Oh, and what's the question, Leon?" April asks, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow at the turtle in front of her. 

"Wanna bake some sugar cookies for the guys?" Leo answers, raising both his nonexistent eyebrows, moving them up and down while following his sentence with a "huh, huh?" causing April to break out into giggles. Trying to make her laugh more, Leo then decides to push his face closer to hers while continuing his ridiculous facial expression and huh's. Though he was victorious in making her giggles turn into full out laughs, the consequence from that action was falling off the bed with a high pitched yelp from her frantic attempts to push him back being a bit too successful. Having him land on his shoulders, legs framing his now pursed and offended face, butt up in the air, and April now curled up on the bed, holding her stomach from how hard she's laughing.

She's barely able to say anything, her laughter breaking up her words as she tries to breathe. "L-Leo-hahaha, oh my god-" She wipes at her eyes, slowly making it over to the other side of the bed. "Leo you-hahaha, y-y-you okay? Oh my god, that was- hahahaha, f-funny as hell. I wasn't expecting you to-" She snorts, holding a hand over her mouth to stifle the sudden loud burst of laughter as she remembers Leo's face when the realization of the bed not being under him struck. "I-I didn't mean to push you off the bed, though." When she finally looks over the edge at Leo, who now had his arms crossed under the two legs that were still on either side of his head, his face a complete failure of trying to look upset at her for laughing. April let out the loudest laugh yet, head hitting the bed as she had to look away before she died of the hilarity of how he looked. 

She tried to speak up again, to say anything, but every time she meant to or looked down at Leo, she started up another fit of laughter. It was after she made a hilarious inhuman sound while laughing that Leo's last ounce of self-control failed him, and he started laughing too, finally sitting up as he did so. 

It took a few more moments of both of them laughing together before they were finally able to calm down, stand up, and head towards April's kitchen. Once in, Leo jumped into the nearest chair, grinning brightly still as he watches April grab all the ingredients needed for the sugar cookies since he, and Donnie, were forbidden from touching the fridge or pantry after they both nearly destroyed them one day. Well, except Donnie was allowed to touch them when he was asked to fix either one. The lucky-charmed turtle. The blue moon marshmallows and four-leaf clovers were on his side for being a tech whiz. 

"Okay," April set the ingredients down on the counter before pointing a finger towards Leo. "I know you ain't goin' to help me make these cookies, so your in charge of watching them and making sure they don't burn. We know I'm not as good at these things as Micheal." She turns to take out a big pink binder from a little wall bookcase, flipping through the ingredients until she finds the right one, running her finger over the words, double-checking she got everything correctly. 

"On it, chef O'neil!" Leo says in a deep voice, sitting up straight and saluting playfully. April only smiles, rolling her eyes at the action as she starts doing what it says on the plastic-covered paper, leaving Leo doing nothing but wait till the cookies are in the oven to do his assigned job. As he looks around for something to occupy him for the time being, he takes notice of the new changes to the place. 

Even though Leo's been here more times than he can count, he can always find something new in April's apartment. It could be a new piece of decor Mikey made for her placed on the hallway walls, some new objects on the fridge from her Dad or Sunita, the colorful magnetic letters rearranged on the freezer door, or sticky notes here and there with new reminders everywhere. Right now, though, there was only one thing new in the kitchen, and that was the small warm-colored rectangle placed on the side of the fridge, almost out of sight. 

From over here, he couldn't specifically make out what it could be other than a cute magnet, even though the colors were oddly familiar. Different shades of orange and pink? From how much he loved to surf the internet, something with differing oranges and pinks could have been from anywhere, maybe even from something Mikey could've drawn somewhere within their house.

But something about the way the different colors were, what's the word? Layed out? Organized? Placed? No, the way the colors were layered on top of each other in that kind of pattern just made something in his brain yell at him that it looked familiar, and it was bugging him that he didn't know from _where_. 

Leo squinted at it, deciding whether or not to get up and get a better look at it. It only took a few moments before he slumps in his seat, moving to face the dining table, crossing his arms on it, and placing his head on top of his arms comfortably.

Eh, whatever, it was probably from April's Dad since it didn't look unique enough to be from Sunita. If he's curious enough about it, he'll just ask April later.

~0~

"They're a little hard this time but, I bet everyone's gonna love them!" Leo compliments, taking a large bite out of the cookie he decorated in blue and yellow frosting. 

"Yeah, well, better than last times," April stated, taking her large bite of the green and white frosted sugar cookie. "I still can't believe I burned the bottoms of them."

"Yeah, well," Leo licks his hand clean as he looks to April, already grabbing a plain cookie with his other hand. "You were busy trying to do homework with Sunita and were running all over the place. It was gonna happen," He shrugs. "It's not that bad."

He grabs the icing filled pastry bags with purple and pink colors as April agrees with him. He grins back at her as a reply while he places the cookie down on the comic themed child's plate April gave him to use, probably too afraid of him breaking the glass ones. Leo sets the end of the pink pastry bag on top of the cookie and squeezes a considerate amount of frosting on one side of it before repeating the same thing on the other side with the color purple. He continued to do different designs and colors with April on each remaining cookie, falling into a long comfortable silence. 

Minutes passed as the two sat facing each other from either side of the table, taking the cookies from the cooling racks and placing the cookies within a plastic container once they were finished making them all nice and colorful. Yet, still being mindful to leave five unfrosted ones for Donnie since he didn't like the added sugar. 

It was in that calm, sweet silence that Leo finally remembered why he had decided to come over at April's alone, why he hadn't told his family till the last minute. Why he was in such a rush to get over here once he made his promises and apologies. 

He had been distracted by April's company, his anxiety falling away almost the moment he had come through the window to be met by a cheerful and excited April earlier that night. All his previous plans of talking to April going out the window when they had their probably-longer-than-an-hour-long conversation that ended after he asked to finally bake cookies. It was ironic he remembered to ask April about making the cookies, but not the real reason behind _why_ he promised to bring some back home in the first place. Probably because they've all individually requested so many batches from her by now. But that wasn't the point! 

Was he still going to bring _it_ up? How would he even start the conversation? He had forgotten every plan he had racing through his head throughout the whole day. How do you even talk about these things? He knows his family is going to be okay with the entire situation. Why wouldn't they? Their family was already strange and all different from one another, open and accepting about that fact too. Though everyone in their family was born that way, including April. So, it was the same with him, right? But it doesn't feel like it, oh why was he freaking out about it. There was no reason to freak out about it! It was regular! So many people have been through something similar to what he was going through. He just needed to find the right time to just get it off his chest before doing anything about it, and then-

"Hey, Leo, are you okay?" 

Leo's fingers flexed suddenly, squeezing the pastry bag as he jumped, being severely startled from his thoughts, the cookie he had stopped decorating after the realization hit him, now colored in a mountain of blue. Leo laughed nervously and placed the bag down, getting the used butter knife to smooth out the icing, a sheepish look painting his face.

"Uh, yeah? Why wouldn't I be Apes?" Leo cooly replied, plastering his signature smile. "Just got caught up in an interesting thought, that's all." He chuckled again, noticing his hands were starting to get sweaty and shakey. Well, that's not a good sign. 

April raises a skeptical eyebrow at him but doesn't say anything as she looks down at her plate. He places his cookie in the container with hers, grabbing one of his last ones. 

Deep breaths, Leo, you're here to have a fun time with April and talk. Get it over with now that you've remembered what you wanted to talk about. Even if you don't know what to say, but it doesn't matter. You chose April for a reason. Suck it up and take deep breaths. She'll help you. Now, say _something_.

"Hey, April..." Leo inwardly grimaces at how scared his voice sounds. April looks up, concern bright and visible on her face. Well, here we go. There's no turning back now. "Can I ask you a question...?"

April's concern only seems to deepen, but her voice was encouraging and reassuring as she answered, "Yeah, what is it?" 

Leo doesn't stop frosting the rest of the cookies, using it as a distraction. April, however, has all her focus on Leo, the cookies forgotten on her plate and cooling rack. His heart is starting to race, his hands beginning to tremble more and more as he tries to not look at April anymore, just the cookies and his breathing. Just frost the cookies and breathe, just frost the cookies and...

"I- uh, um, I uh, I-" He lets out a jittery breath, closing his eyes for a moment before looking at the swirl of red he was drawing on the cookies as if they would save him from what he was going to ask. "What, um, do you do when..." He racked his brain for something to describe what he was trying to say without _actually_ saying it. "When you think you might be different? Like, not the turtle thing, or you know the whole," He nervously laughed, "The-the whole everything else that I am or any of us, since you know my brothers are the sa-" 

"Leo."

"Okay, I'll stop ranting!" He quickly responded, trying to not crack any jokes or force himself to not abandon the topic altogether. "I just- I think I might..." 

"Leo, if you don't spit it out, we're gonna be here all night-" 

"I know, I know but-"

"Leo, just say it, it's okay, nothings gonna happen." 

"I know that! I know it won't but-"

"But what?" 

"I don't know!"

"Leo, you're making this harder than it has to be. Just say it!" April's concern was most likely off the charts now, with how vague he's being. He could hear it in her voice and how she's looking at him from the corner of his eye. It reminded him of how she looked when she has to remind Donnie that his worth to her and the team isn't measured by his creations. "I'm not gonna bite your head off, especially if you're getting this worked up about it. I mean, I haven't seen you this worked up for a long time! You're always so chill like-" 

Leo quietly spoke up, making April stop, blinking at Leo before frowning, not catching what he had said, "What?"

Leo bites the inside of his bottom lip. Of course, he had said it _too_ quietly for her to hear. Leo groans in annoyance before planting his face onto the table with a soft thud. He was losing his will, and it was his fault for not just saying it directly already or anything at all. 

He stays silent for a moment before he responds slowly. 

"I don't know if I'm a boy, April..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback and your thoughts are welcome! I'd love to hear how I can improve or how this chapter made you feel! This wasn't at all supposed to turn into a multi-chapter story but hopefully, it turns out well. Thank you so much for reading the first chapter though! :D


	2. Talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking about things is difficult, no matter what it's about, or if your a mutant turtle or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys all so much for the kind comments on the last chapter, they all really meant a lot to me! Not to mention the kudos! Holy crap this story is getting so much love! Hopefully, your positivity and like for this story continues the more I go on. Anyway, here's the second chapter, happy reading! :D
> 
> Note: Tw for Anxiety

Silence, that's all that followed Leo's words. He hated that the more the silence went on, the more he thought April had gotten up and left him without knowing it. Why would she even leave in the first place? What, because he's having trouble with something she might be able to help him with? No! She wouldn't get up and leave. 

He shifts his head to the side to peek up at April anyway, making sure she hadn't magically disappeared from the kitchen from something poofing her away. 

When he sees her face, he notices that she's looking towards him, but not really at him. As if she wasn't paying attention to him anymore and was thinking carefully about something in her head. Unsurprisingly, there was nothing negative coming from her, either. 

He turns his face back onto the table and silently pleads for this anxiety-inducing awkwardness to end already. 

Don't get him wrong, he knows his family loves him, somewhat appreciates him, and would accept him in any shape and form. After all, April's a Lesbian, while Raph has a plural system, and Donnie's a person with Autism. Their family is a whole flourish of neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ people.

As he said before, they're all different, and most of them were born that way, and each of them loves those differences, and others, in their family, because it's what makes them who they are, and Leo is no different! He knows this! Leo grew up with their father telling them about acceptance and yadda, yadda, yadda, and having lots of different kinds of people in the world. Grew up with their father regularly reminding them he loves _every_ part of them, even the parts he doesn't quite understand but tries to. 

But that doesn't change that fact Leo still feels weird, scared, and awful about this whole situation. What if he's wrong and he was being stereotypical? What if he's still a guy but just likes different things? Like how some guys wear pink and pastel crop tops but are still guys, that they simply have different tastes in fashion than society's default style. Or like how some girls wear suits and ties, but they're still girls, and they just like that kind of look.

"How long?" 

Leo looks up at April, pushing away the worries and thoughts in his head to direct his attention to her now. Sitting up, he rubs the back of his neck awkwardly as he answers, though in a muttered tone, "How long what?" 

April repeats herself, her tone soft, "How long have you been feelin' like this, Leo?"

Leo looks away, not being able to look at her as he answers hesitantly, "A month, maybe?" 

"What caused you to start questioning?" April asks again, causing Leo to shift in his seat. "Or at least what you think made you start questioning?" 

When had it mostly started? He sits there for a moment, thinking back through the beginning of the month, humming to himself in thought. 

"It was when Mikey wanted to paint my nails, like how he does with you and Raph. But, since Raph was out on the surface with Donnie and couldn't use him as his own personal canvas, and you weren't down there with us that night, he came and asked me," He looks down at his hands, remembering how he was talking with his little brother as he watched him paint his nails. Leo never really got to be a living canvas for his brother like Raph since Leo would often say no or wouldn't be asked in the first place. But that night, as Mikey ran the brush over his nails on his other hand, doing the stylish blue and black design again, Leo had a simple thought enter his head as he studied his brother's work. 

"I thought to myself, Woah, this feels amazing, I wonder what else I could do with my nails! I know that may seem dumb," April gave him a look at that accusation. "But I've never been into that kind of stuff. It just wasn't something I really liked because I thought I looked amazing as I already was, which I do!" Smirking at his own remark, he lets his little light-hearted comment combat April's look until the joke falls away after a few seconds of silence. He looks to the table as he places his cheek on his fist, sighing as he traces the table cloth with a finger.

"I mean, I've had pedicures, people pampering me like the true royalty that I am. But, there was something about having my nails be painted that just made me feel _different_. Like, it made me happy in a weird way, not in a way like reading comics does or watching Donnie fail each year at the Lair games does." He chuckles a bit at the thought of his losing brother. "It was the kind of happy that was similar to finding out my brothers were okay after hurting themselves. Or, or I don't know," He gestures with his hand. "It was just weird. And how weirdly happy I was about it made me think if that was normal or something else, you know? I shrugged it off, but more stuff kept happening that made me feel the same way, and the thoughts about it just got worse." 

April nods, leaning back in her seat as Leo proceeds, feeling the weight of not saying anything for so long loosen the more he spoke.

"The next time was when me and Donnie were discussing which Jupiter Jim comic was better, and he jokingly called me Leuna, like Princess Leia, but more like my name, because I cried at the end of a series. I don't know what happened," Leo flung his arms up in the air in exaggeration as he looks up, leaning back in the chair dramatically as well. "But the feeling happened again! I don't know why, but something about that name or whatever made me feel that weird happy again." 

"Have you ever tried she/her pronouns before Leo?" April asked bluntly, interrupting his rant, raising an eyebrow at him. Leo's arms fell to his sides as he blinks at April, the question gradually registering in his mind. 

"Uh, actually, I don't think so," Leo answers, slowly starting to look confused. "Why?" 

April sat up in her seat, leaning forward, "Because it might help you find out more about yourself. See if you like being your opposite gender, or if it's something else." She gets up from her chair, shoving the rest of her unfinished cookies and the two on the cooling racks into the container, placing them on the counter without a thought as she continued to explain. 

"Some people find they like using feminine pronouns, it makes them feel better, or it just helps them comfortably project their gender. There could be other reasons too, but since you liked something about that name, it could be the name itself or the feminine stuff behind it. Like, how some people like the name Alex. It's used by girls and boys, making it a unisex name. So, someone who's Non-Binary could use it. Then some people like the name James because it's more of a boy's name. A transgender guy might use that name. But to some people, it doesn't matter. Someone might not use a name because it's a boyish, girlish, or a unisex name. Instead, someone uses a name because the name just fits them, having nothing to do with the binary or non-binary tone behind them, but something else entirely."

April turns back to Leo once she's done with the sweets, jumping up to sit on the counter, facing the slider turtle. "There used to be a girl in my class who always dressed femininely, but asked his friends and teacher to use he/him pronouns for him. Everyone outside of the friend group thought it was because he was trying to get attention, but in reality, he just didn't like how she/her pronouns made him uncomfortable and feel terrible. He never stopped wearing girly clothes or made himself look more like a boy since he was and wanted to be a girl. All he did was change his pronouns to feel like himself."

Leo hums to himself again as he starts to think, looking away from April, rubbing at his chin in thought, would he be like that? Would he still be Leo but with different pronouns? Would Leo feel better if his name was Leuna? Would he not be a boy, but instead a girl? That Leo might not even be either of them? 

Leo leans back in his chair at that concept, staring up at the ceiling as he continues to drown himself in questions. 

Even though he's been vaguely taught about different genders, mainly girl, boy, girl born a boy, boy born a girl, and neither, April's words made his head spin. Her classmate didn't sound like he was any of those, even if he still seemed like a girl? And that term? Transgender guy? What even is Transgender? 

Non-Binary as a gender was also something new to him, only recognizing the word when talking about the binary of society he oh so graciously learned from going up top and asking his father questions. Like when they went into a mall when he was younger and asked why there were boy and girl sections, but no other part for the other people that his Dad told him existed.

He closes his eyes to the on-coming headache he can already feel beginning to start. How was he supposed to figure out his own gender if it was already confusing talking about gender in general? How would he figure this all out in the first place? How do people usually go about learning these things? Didn't April ask about female pronouns for him? Was that apart of finding this all out? Would any term even fit him when he did finally find it out? What if he was wrong, and this was all for nothing? What then? 

He hears April chuckle from the counter, making him open his eyes and look back at her, "Confusing, huh? Trust me, it took me years to even understand some of them, but it was worth it. Especially since you came here for the ultimate April O'neil guide on LGBTQ+ topics." 

Leo smirks and rolls his eyes as he buries all his internal turmoil deep within himself again, his tone playful as he responds. "Shut up, Apes. I'm still trying to feel okay with the thought of me possibly being more fabulous than I already am."

"Well, we're taking baby steps in your exploration process," She moves her hands in an arch movement, similar to that one Sponge-Bob meme Mikey likes to send him so often. "So, Joker Boy, you'll have a lot of time to work that fabulousness you're going on about," April states, grinning. Leo snorts, his own smile growing from her words, ignoring how his stomach clenches in doubt. 

"And how are we going to do that?" Leo questions, raising a non-existent eyebrow. "We're not going to throw me in a bucket of glitter, are we? Pull out the Hogwarts hat of telling you your gender instead of your house?"

April rolls her eyes and grins at Leo's joke. "No, you doof, we're gonna take steps from what you're already comfortable with to the next smallest thing your ready to do," April states, giving him a fixed look of determination that Leo sadly can't duplicate in kind. 

"Uh-huh, and how are we going to start that one?" Leo asks. April's face lights up in a grin too similar to Donnie's as she jumps from the counter to grab his hand, pulling him from his seat with a sudden jolt. It makes him yelp in surprise as he's being half dragged, half tumbling over his own feet, to wherever April was taking him. 

"Ap- ack! Hey, watch your feet! My beautiful face is right here!" He hurriedly moves his face out of the way, his question on what they were doing, and going, being interrupted as he tried to regain his footing again. That is until they turn the corner of the hall swiftly, April tossing back a quick "Sorry!" as he almost falls face-first into the ground again before they reach the bathroom. He's instantly seated on the edge of the tub, nearly toppling over into the tub too before righting himself, nothing but lost confusion plastered on his face. 

What in the world was she _doing_?

His eyes follow her opening the sink cupboards and pulling out a blue plastic rectangular basket with a bottle of purple liquid and cotton balls to go with. It's when she starts pulling out small glass bottles full of varied colors from the basket that he realizes what she's doing.

"Oh my god, April, you're not going to do what I think you're going to do, are you?" Leo says, silently beginning to panic. What if it only happened once? What if the feeling would happen again? Was this okay? To panic this much over nail polish because that's what she just pulled out, right? Or was that his Anxiety working at him still? Either way, he has never been more stressed and panicked in his _life_ than he has this month. 

Why was he so freaked out over this whole situation? He's been freaking out ever since Donnie called him Leuna, and it wasn't even the first time he called him a girl's name either! When they were kids and played as Patty and Hortense, Leo didn't act like this! Not even when they used those names to disguise themselves as old ladies to help April have a hangout with Sunita when they first met! Or like how Leo would prance around, claiming he was a princess when he was younger! With a crown and everything! He shouldn't be so freaked out. He shouldn't because he knows there's no reason to. His family would accept him if- when- if, er- if or when he told them about all of this! He has no reason to act like this, none. 

He has no reason to be scared of some nail polish or a name or even...even...

Even what? 

He doesn't know.

Why was this happening? Why was he so frightened? Why does he keep asking more questions that he wants the answers to but doesn't at the same time? 

This is supposed to be easy, right? He was supposed to figure it out and then go back to normal like nothing happened. No more fear, no more uncertainty, no more wanting-to-not-tell-anyone-but-April-because-he-doesn't-want-anyone-to-know-for-a-reason-he-can't-think-of-but-only-feel, and it's already tiring! How do people go on for years on end in, what was the term? The closet! If this is anything near the lowest level of what they can or do go through because Leo doubts this is the worst of it, he doubts it because he- he- Ugh! 

Leo doesn't know if he's repeated all of this in his mind already, doesn't know if he's overreacting, doesn't know anything about what is going on, and it's, it's something he just wants to get over with. He hates this! He's the face-man! The guy who cracks jokes and makes people smile even when it's not the right time. The guy that knows his brother Donnie's meltdowns and shutdowns the best out of his brothers. The guy who wins again and again and again with no loss in sight because he can't bear not winning in _some_ way. He's the guy who can't fail or admit he's afraid because if he does, then it means he isn't good enough. 

He pauses. 

Good enough? Where in the shell did that come from? It was usually a subconscious thought and never really something that his mind shoved into his consciousness word for word like that, even when he's frantic like this. This was unusual, and it was only adding to his growing list of questions and concerns. What's next, reliving a traumatic childhood memory he totally forgot about? Oh god, he hoped not. April's already looking like she's about to call his brothers, and he can't imagine what she'd do if all of a sudden he reme-

Wait.

He looks up at April, his face and body instantly schooled into an untroubled position, the exact opposite of how he was feeling internally. 

"You're staring at me like I'm about to fall apart into millions of pieces, and don't even try to play off the fact you dialed Raph's number," Leo states, ignoring how he can feel his hands shaking, the palms clammy, and his breathing quicker than they should be again. Despite his best efforts to hide them, April has already obviously noticed the signs. 

"You're not okay, Leo-"

"I'm fine-" Leo tries to reassure, but instantly gets cut off by a worried and upset April.

"No, you're not!" April slams her phone face down onto the sink counter as she looks at him, eyes glossed over with unsheathed tears. "I let it pass before because I thought it was you, bein' weird, then you got all shaky again, and I wasn't about to let it pass. But when you spoke up about you not being a guy, I thought it was because you were nervous to tell me about what you're goin' through." She places a hand to her chest to emphasize her point, eyes searching Leo for something he was sure he wasn't showing her.

If Leo had to bet what those tears in her eyes were for, he'd say it was because he scared her, thinking that Leo was going to have a full-on panic attack right in her bathroom and not know why he was having one. Maybe being afraid of why he was so close to having so many panic-attacks in one day. That realization makes his fake smile fall entirely, a lump in his throat forming. 

It all made him feel queasy. 

This wasn't at all how he wanted this night to go. He always kept his insecurities to himself, made sure no one could catch when the dam broke in his head. He does it all the time. What made it so easy for him to start shaking and getting too close to a full-blown panic attack now? Ones that are alarming his best friend to the point that she'd almost called his brother, Raph? 

Was it because this gender thing was the last metaphorical mento in his coke bottle before it couldn't take it anymore and exploded? 

That, in other words, he couldn't keep telling white lies to his family forever?

"I don't know what's going on with you, Leo," He bit his bottom lip at how sweet her tone was, caring enough that if Leo could, he'd probably drown in it. "But, I wanna remind you that it's okay to say something or do what you need to do to let yourself out of whatever is causing you this much Anxiety or misery, Nardo. Because I'm not going to lie, you look absolutely miserable," She places a hand on his shoulder, trying to get his attention on her, but he suddenly turns his gaze to the side instead. 

His throat is starting to hurt from the strain of keeping his emotions down. 

"I don't know if this is something else or about what you've gone through this whole month, but I promise you that you can tell me anything. No matter what it is, I've got your back, and I'm here to help you, okay? We all are. Me, your brothers, and even Splints, we got you. It'll be okay." 

Leo is silent as April hugs him without warning. It's tight, warm, and full of nothing but love and care. She pats his head and rubs his shell comfortingly, a little like comforting a small child, but Leo couldn't care less about how patronizing that could be right now. 

His grasp on his emotions was slipping the more April whispered that it'd be okay, that _he_ would be okay. Told him that he didn't have to say anything, that she's got his back, and other stuff he can't hear over his own thoughts anymore. Everything he felt was being turned into words in his head, and it was making his already thin grip on his emotions slip more and more. He wasn't ready to share these things. He was hoping he could hold out a little while longer! A little longer till all his brothers and family would learn how much he kept from them, for reasons he can't even understand himself. What he thinks about in the dead of night when his Insomnia won't leave his side, and he can't close his eyes despite how tired he is.

He wished that the thoughts would stop, but they never did. They never stopped, not once. They would go away only to come back again and make everything a living hell every second of the day. He doesn't want them. He wishes they never existed, to begin with.

He hugs April back ten times harder, gripping the back of her nightgown as if it was his only lifeline, a sob racking throughout his body as he buries his face in her shoulder. 

The cap has officially flown off the coke bottle, and he was rupturing quicker than he thought he would.

"I shouldn't feel it April, I know that I-" He bites down on his bottom lip to keep the next sob from escaping, his shoulders shaking from the force it takes to keep it down. "Everyone tells me it's not a big deal anymore and that it's okay, but I don't feel like it's okay! I can't let it go, I can't, and I don't know why but I just can't let it go!"

"What can't you let go, Leo?" April asks softly, saying nothing about the number of tears wetting her shoulder or the turtle in her arms shaking so much that it troubles her.

"It was just me being a kid, and I know that! I know that, yet I can't let go of what I did to my brothers when I was a kid. I was the biggest bully. I tried so hard to make my brothers cry or get scared or to get any reaction out of them. I would steal Mikey's toys and have him chase me around, screaming at me to give them back and crying and calling me mean. I teased Raph harshly about how he broke everything all the time, calling him "House Wrecker" or "Raph-Breaks-a-Lot" and always laughing at him when he started to cry and tell Dad. I even called Donnie a freak because he wouldn't talk or do anything like us! I know I got better at not picking on him worse than everyone else for being Autistic, but I still blamed everything on them, and I was just the worst brother when I was bored or when I didn't get what I want. What I did was wrong, and I can't forget that, even when it's okay now or forgiven. I called him a freak April! A freak! I-" He let's out a loud sob at that. 

He could never forgive himself for that one. Never. No matter how young he was, and no one should feel pity or bad for him for that decision. He deserves it. The one thing he agrees with out of everything. His brother is not a freak, he's just wired differently, and he should've _known_ that.

Leo stays lost within the memories, knowing every single thing his brothers and father would be telling him right now if he was ranting towards one of them if not all of them again. He knows he was a kid, knows it's something kids do, knows that it's in the past and that it doesn't matter anymore because it's in the past, that it happens sometimes, that they've already worked it out. But it doesn't change the fact that it's still in his subconscious, just sitting there waiting for a chance to remind him of everything he's ever failed at, done wrong, or could've done better. It doesn't matter that it's something small or something that was okay now or okay back then. It's like his mind takes it and forces him to feel things he doesn't want to feel. 

And he feels ashamed about those forced feelings too. 

Leo tells himself he shouldn't feel so anxious all the time because there's no reason to be afraid with his family, that he shouldn't feel like a terrible person when Leo knows he's not. He's remarkable at planning, his jokes and annoying tendencies are something he's proud about, especially with each smile or a well-meaning eye-roll he gets from his brothers. He knows he's the most handsome out of his brothers, looking fine in anything and everything because he's just _that_ good looking. But for some reason, that doesn't matter.

On the outside, he sees, feels, and thinks there is absolutely nothing he can improve on. He is the pure essence of perfection and beauty. On the inside, however, that's a whole 'nother story for him. 

Yeah, he can tell jokes and annoy his brothers to get his way, but what about the times he goes too far, and he's the reason Donnie has a shutdown? Or Savage Raph appears to protect Raph because his prank went on for too long and too far? Or he hurts his little brother's feelings, and he won't talk to him anymore? It's happened before, and each one plagues his mind. Maybe not all the time because he's got a marvelous family that reminds him over and over that they love him and that they forgive him, but in those moments like late at night or when he's really overwhelmed, it'll pop up again. 

He knows he doesn't have the Anxiety where it messes with his life to the point he can't _live_. But it's still there even if it's small and makes that day, week, or month hard, even when reminded that he shouldn't because it's okay now. But, he doesn't know why he can't feel that himself, feel like it's okay. He knows he should feel that way, why he should too. But he just _can't_. It's like it's a punishment for being such a bad brother when he knows he's not, but Leo _feels_ like he is.

So annoying, in fact, that he made himself believe that it would be better if he didn't talk about all of this anymore, knowing it should have been solved years ago already. He's scared Donnie will roll his eyes and tell him again that it was a terrible thing to do. But that it's not a big deal anymore before telling him that he's busy to say anything more. He's worried Mikey will sigh and tell Leo that Dr. Feelings has already given him his lesson on how to help him cope and how much Mikey loves him. That Raph will stare down at him and not know what to say because he's already said everything he could. 

Leo can be carefree and not care what people say, but at the same time, he takes everything to heart and will spend hours wondering if they were lying or if he is what others say. He can joke and be mean to his brothers and undoubtedly feel like it's okay after a mistake and believe it, that it had happened and that the problem was fixed now, then later think back and point out everything that wasn't. It's almost as if Leo believes it but also subconsciously doesn't. 

But, what makes all of this even better now, is the fact that the one thing he loves and praises himself about without fear or shame is second-guessed by non-other than his own gender and thoughts. That that happiness he felt was opening _something_ never experienced before by him and wants to again, that maybe this red-eared slider wasn't as perfect on the outside as he thought. 

And that scares him to death. 

It scares him to know that he doesn't love himself like he thought, that something inside and outside is missing. That he doesn't know who he is, that his title as the face-man, Donnie's unofficial twin, and the middle child is all that he really has. That he is there but can't play a role because his brothers can't trust him in battle or maybe even outside skirmishes sometimes. All because he enjoys making people smile, or just himself smile, and people's lives harder for fun. But what if he stopped as his subconscious tells him to. What then? Who is he, if not the brother who cracks jokes? He can't make extraordinary things like Donnie, make art, and teach his brothers about emotional topics like Mikey, or even when he gives his big brother a hard time for leading, he still does well, and he's always there for his brothers too.

Then there's just...Leo. 

He doesn't have a role other than the face-man. He doesn't do anything but that and be there for his brothers, and he fails at being a good brother sometimes. He just exists. He makes people's lives difficult and better, and he sits there doing nothing but that.

"I just don't know what or who I am other than everything I've failed at, April," Leo continues, looking at the wall now he and April have moved from the edge of the tub to the ground, still in a hug that has gone loose but supportive nonetheless. He rubs his cheek on her shoulder, his head aching from how bad he was crying before, his throat sore and croaking from his shouting. 

"This whole thing with my gender has just made everything so much more difficult for me and my self-esteem and my somewhat stable mental health. I just don't know how to react other than being scared or brushing it off with jokes to hide what I'm feeling. I want to figure myself out, Apes. I want to feel okay like everyone wants me to be. I want to feel like I am someone when everyone knows I am. I want to be myself and not be afraid to do that because I know I can be myself with all of you. It's just me I have the problem with." He sniffs, closing his eyes, and takes in a deep breath. "I'm sorry I'm like this though, I'm sorry that I can't forgive or forget these things. I'm sorry that I can't do what everyone else can do easily and feel what I want to feel, making it such a burden for all of you this way. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you before and almost had panic attacks everywhere in your apartment and that I want to do better and be better like I always want to be, even when the expectation is too high for me to handle. That even though I know so many things and that I'm trying, that I'm still sorry I can't feel okay sometimes..."

He lets out a shaking breath before saying softly, his eyes still closed, "Thank you, April..." 

She simply hugs him gently, rubbing his shell before finally speaking, her voice gentle and slow. 

"Leo, your not a burden to any of us. Your head is just different than other people, just like your brothers, like your Dad. It's okay not knowing who you are, not knowing your worth, and not knowing really anything. What isn't okay, though, isn't trying, and you are, even when it doesn't feel like it. I believe that a long time ago, you didn't know so much about how your head works. That you assumed everything you did was wrong, but look at where you are now, you know what works and what doesn't and what causes what. Even if that wasn't the case, it doesn't matter, your here now, and you are still learning. That no matter how bad it got or will get, that you have people who care, and you know that, even when you feel like you don't. I know it's different for everyone, but what matters is that for you, you are doing what you can. 

"Leo, you may be the face-man too, but your human in a sense. You aren't here to explain your existence. You're here to live. You don't need a role or a reason to be here. We all love you and _want_ you here with us, no matter what you do. You're family to us, Leonardo, blood or not. There is no other Leonardo out there like you, you're one of a kind in every shape or form, and we wouldn't have you any other way. Just know, whether you feel it or believe it or not, that even if you were a burden, even if you were terrible, that you did need a role, that you were such an inconvenient being. Just know that the fact you are _trying_ , not succeeding, or being the best, but because you are _trying_ to be a better person for _yourself_ and for the people you care about, that means you are a wonderful person. Because you are, okay? Trust me, got that?" 

Leo can feel her smile on his shoulder, and it makes the happy and emotional tears falling from his eyes be nothing compared to the bright and genuine smile plastered on his face. "I got it, April, I promise." 

"I'm just going to have to remind you, huh?" April says, pulling away from him and copies his beaming smile. He rolls his eyes, his smile getting impossibly bigger and brighter as he wipes his eyes. 

"Yeah, s-"

A finger is shoved onto Leo's lips, instantly cutting himself off, as he looks down wide-eyed at the finger. 

"Nu-uh, you are not apologizing one more time, Leo. It's against my law now," April responds, still grinning at him. Leo just smiles back again and chuckles, pushing her hand away and raises a non-existent eyebrow.

"Mhmm, do I have paperwork to prove this, or am I just going to have to take your word for it?" Leo questions, eyeing her playfully. April giggles and pushes him playfully, only to have Leo laugh and push back. The two poking fun at each other on the bathroom floor, laughing the night away. 

If there's one thing that Leo realized that night, it's that maybe, just maybe, it's okay to have missing pieces. 

After all, his family is nothing but mismatched pieces that just so happen to fit together perfectly, and he doesn't doubt that it looks like a mess to everyone else outside their family. But, to him?

He wouldn't want his family any other way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts, feedback, and theories are all welcome! Trust me, I would love to hear how this chapter made you feel. :)
> 
> Chapter three in the works! (Hopefully, it doesn't take as long as this one did-)


	3. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To feel such a feeling is a different kind of saddness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I know it's been literal months (around 4 maybe?) and I am so unbelievably sorry it took this long to get this out and posted! I was having such a hard time trying to write this chapter out that it took a total amount of 7 god damn drafts to end up with this beauty of a chapter. Not to mention I've been busy as hell and that I have someone helping me edit my story who was also busy, which didn't at make this chapter get out as soon as it should have. But alas my fellow reader it is here! And I hope you enjoy it as much as the last chapter since your comments are always so sweet and positive!  
> So, thank you for that!  
> Happy reading :D  
> (Also, I find it so ironic that t's 4:46 AM right now when I post this. Me and Leo are too alike.)

The red digits shift from 2:39 to 2:40 AM, prompting Leo to count the lines forming the clock's digital numbers sitting on the nightstand over again. 

It's been a long while since he and April left the bathroom. Both of them moving to crash on April's bed from how tired they were, April instantly falling asleep once she laid down. Leaving Leo the only one awake, insomnia filling the almost complete silence in the room with endless questions. 

He was used to it by now. He'd usually look up weird questions his brain came up with or watch his favorite videos over and over again to combat his boredom. Tonight, however, he couldn't get out of his own head long enough to even turn on his phone and do something. His mind just kept going and going, making him think about everything that happened today like he hasn't thought enough about it 10 times over.

When April pulled out the nail polish to most likely do his nails again, he could feel something flick inside his head, almost like a light switch. Suddenly everything just felt like something to panic over more than before. But why did it happen with her and not Mikey? That's what caused him to feel so lost today.

Leo can't even think of anything that could be the reason why everything has somehow changed at the drop of a hat, why he keeps replaying every moment of today in his head and trying to figure out _why_. 

Leo's probably going in circles right now with his thoughts. But there's too much anxiety, too many questions, swirling around in his head right now. He- he just- it doesn't make _sense_!

Why was he freaking out so badly over this? How come no matter how much he reminds himself that his family is there for him, he instantly can't bring himself to say anything to them about his questioning? What was going on to cause him to start ranting about what he did to all three of his brothers a long time ago? To bring up his fears and insecurities like that? 

Leo knows that he didn't voice everything in his head, but he said things he thought he'd never admit out loud. This whole thing has had gone from zero to a hundred, and if this was a movie or a book, then this was one of those cliche made ones, he's sure of it. Everything was too confusing, too overwhelming for no reason. 

Leo pushes his palms into his eyes as he takes a deep breath. He needs to stop thinking about this. Leo needs to stop because all of this is going to make him freak out again and again. He needs to take one step at a time and just stick to the one thing he knows that he can figure out right now, and that's his gender. If Leo can figure that out, then it'll be fine. He'll be fine.

He _will_ be fine. 

That will be his plan. Just figure it out and leave everything else on the back burner unless he has more answers than questions, or maybe just bury it somewhere until he feels like he can bring it up again. He can already hear Mikey in his head shouting at him that that is certainly not the way he should do this. But, well, it's not like it's going to drive him to insanity like it would if he didn't just toss it over his shoulder. So, that's what he'll do. He'll take this one part at a time.

Leo sits up and grabs his phone from the nightstand next to the digital clock, plopping back down to the end of the bed as he presses a slick button at the back of his phone. A small little piece of the back flicks out like a library return-slot-thing, a pair of special headphones inside. Donnie made a cool feature for all of them since Mikey kept forgetting his headphones and fretting about it every time. Luckily for Leo, he usually didn't forget to bring them along. Especially since the red-eared slider can't pass out like an average person could when hanging out. Plus, they just came in handy when he doesn't want to disturb everyone with his 2 AM meme binges. He was really the only one in the family with a dedicated playlist. 

He grabs it, closing the pocket with a soft click before he takes the little rectangle and presses it against his ear, tapping it twice before it shifts into a snug wireless pair of headphones. He honestly doesn't know how Donnie does it, making such cool futuristic gadgets. But then again, if Leo was as smart or even as talented as Donnie was, then Leo wouldn't even have to think of such a question. 

Leo turns on his phone, quickly tapping away to get to his offline music playlist. If he was going to go along with this plan, he came up with at 3 in the morning, it needs to start right now. And what better way to distract himself than the good ole song 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins?

Leo scrolls until he finds it, putting it on repeat. He closes his eyes as he turns up the volume until he can't hear his thoughts anymore. Pulling a blanket up to his shoulders, starting to focus on the singer's voice.

"Shakedown, 1979, cool kids never have the time. On a live write right up off the street, you and I should meet. June bug skipping like a stone. With the headlights pointed at the dawn. We were sure we'd never seen an end to it all..."

* * *

_Leo was a good kid. He knew that for a fact; his Dad told him. Splinter reminds all his sons about what they do that's good almost all the time. Their father told Leo that he shows how good he can be when Leo cheers his brothers up by making jokes or making silly faces when they were unhappy. And when Leo doesn't disturb Donnie when told not to, especially in his quiet place. Even though he doesn't understand why he has to do it._

_Leo leans on his older brother's shoulder, the snapper turtle watching the cartoon on the screen while petting Mikey's head, the youngest beaming in content, eyes closed. It left Leo the only one not smiling, eyes set on the stone floor in front of him._

_It's been hours since he first started to convince himself that he was a good child. Listing everything he's done that has made his family happy, and even himself happy. He even tried to give himself a pep talk, just like how Splinter taught him to do when he felt like he couldn't do something or was really sad. But none of it worked. He still felt the same._

_He still felt like there was something wrong with him._

_If he felt this way, then did that mean he really was a bad kid? That there was something wrong with him?_

_Leo closes his eyes to stop the thought. No, he isn't a bad kid. Leo's a good kid. Daddy tells him that all the time when he does a good job. And when making mistakes, too, Splinter always reminds him that Leo's the best. He is the best, he is the best, he is the best!_

_"Hey, Leo, why aren't you watching da' show. You're missing all da' fun parts!" Raph exclaims, making Leo open his eyes again and look at the screen, seeing a T-rex and four different small dinosaurs running away from it. "Look, look! They're in a scary part!"_

_"I don' wanna watch anymore," Leo responds, not looking at any of his brothers as he starts to get up off the floor._

_"But Leo, you promised you would watch wit' us!" Raph says, upset. Leo doesn't respond, walking mindlessly away from them, hugging himself tightly as he keeps staring at the ground. His brothers didn't get up to drag him back, probably too comfortable to complain about Leo breaking his promise._

_Leo wishes he could feel that comfortable right now. He feels the complete opposite, like there is not only something wrong with him, but everything about him feels wrong too. He feels uncomfortable to the point that it feels like he has bugs crawling under his skin and that there is an overwhelming feeling of hollowness. Everything is just terrible, and it's scaring him._

_He wants his Dad. He wants his hugs. Splinter's always busy being sad in his room or in the TV room when he thinks Leo's asleep. So, maybe they can be unhappy together. Maybe his Dad would like that too._

_Leo looks up long enough to head towards Splinter's room, not bothering to knock on the door as he enters the filthy place. The young slider turtle weaves through the trash, books, and other objects cluttering the floor before he reaches the side of the bed next to the nightstand, his lump of a father on the worn mattress, completely wrapped in blankets._

_Without care or warning, Leo starts climbing onto the bed, his tiny fists gripping the sheets, using all his strength to try and pull himself up. The sudden grunts and movement alert Splinter, causing the depressed rat to look around at what was happening, startled, before catching sight of his son, his face morphing into confusion, only a faint look of annoyance adding to his expression._

_"Blue, what are you doing?" His voice is slightly firm but exhausted, and the look in his eyes was no different. "You know when I'm in my bedroom to not break-in. Unless it's an emergency, that is."_

_Leo once again doesn't answer. Even when Splinter takes pity on him after a few moments of failing to get on the bed, using his tail to pull Leo up onto the mattress. The small turtle looks at his Dad once he lets him go, studying his raised eyebrow and expectant look. The slider blinks as his only response, crawling closer to his Dad and settling himself next to him, hand instantly reaching out to touch his fur, knowing he probably hasn't showered in a few days. But Leo doesn't care. His Dad is just smelly like that._

_With a hand rubbing his Dad's fluffy cheek, he sees Splinter's looks melt into a single gentle one._

_Leo has always loved his Dad's fur. It's soft, whether it smelled good or not, and warm too. He especially liked it when his Dad brought him to his round belly, placing his head on top of Leo's before curling his tail around them both, almost like a pink snake. It was a special hug he gave Leo since Raph was nearly too big for these kinds of cuddles while Mikey liked to be held and rocked all the time more than being cuddled, and Donnie loved really tight squeezes. Leo was the only one who got to bury his face in his Dad's fur and pet him while his Dad usually sung songs he knew, even if they were icky love songs. It always made him happy and comfy, and he could tell his Daddy felt much better too afterward._

_It was their happy hug, and Leo knew it was going to happen the moment his father's head plopped back down onto his pillow and his arms reached out towards Leo to pull him closer. Leo instantly scooted himself while being drawn closer so he could cuddle sooner, placing his other hand to his Dad's chest, where he could feel his Daddy's heartbeat under his palm as he instantly settled against him. He made a soft sound at the warm feeling of the hug, closing his eyes, letting the blanket Splinter wrapped himself in before being placed over them by his Dad's tail before settling against his shell._

_Leo kept gently petting his Daddy's cheek as he listened to the silence of the room, focusing on Splinter's heartbeat thumping against his tiny hand, the more the moments passed, trying to find some sort of peace. He already felt better than before, but...still not happy._

_The awareness of that feeling made him sigh sadly, catching Splinter's attention._

_"Are you okay, Blue? You seem off," Splinter asks, the tip of his tail curling onto Leo's shoulder now, another kind of comfort. "You're not as talkative as usual, not to mention you look troubled. Did something happen?"_

_Leo opens his eyes again, staring at the hand on his Dad's chest, but he still didn't answer_ _. It makes Splinter's worry deepen. What could have possibly made another one of his sons uncommunicative?_

_"Blue?" Splinter tried again, leaving Leo looking down to nowhere, in particular. His petting stopping, his small fingers gripping his father's chest fur lightly. It was some sort of response in Splinter's mind, and he was just thankful he got anything out of the slider than pure silence again. He isn't the best father, most likely near the area of some of the worst, in fact. But his main concern will always be his son's well-being, whether he screws up on everything else or not._

_"'M, okay," Leo says quietly, looking up at his father to give him a weak reassuring look before taking away the hand on his Dad's face, instead, placing his cheek on his Dad's chest, the hair tickling his beak a bit. "I jus' don't feel great."_

_"Do you feel sick? Did you catch another fever again?" Splinter probes, taking one of his hands and pressing the back of one to his son's forehead, checking the temperature. Leo shakes his head and pushes his Dad's hand away with his own._

_"No, 'm not sick, Daddy; I feel bad," Leo states instead, watching as Splinter's face shifts into understanding._

_"Why do you feel bad, Blue?" Splinter asks softly, placing his hand back underneath the cover._

_"I don't know, I was watching the movie with Raph and Mikey, and then I feel like there's something wrong. Wrong with me," Leo explains, shifting, giving his Dad wide eyes and a small pout. "Like I'm a weirdo. Like, like Lou Jitsu when he in the bad guy's place and he shouldn't be 'dare. I'm a weirdo in a bad guy's lair and, and like I have ants everywhere."_

_"So, you feel like your out of place and uncomfortable?" Splinter questions, chuckling a bit when Leo gives him a confused look at the first part. "Out of place is like when you have a bunch of apples, and then you have a grape which shouldn't be with all the apples. You're feeling like the grape amongst apples."_

_"Oh, does that mean Lou Jitsu is a grape when he goes in bad guy's places?" Leo asks in pure curiosity, making Splinter smile and nod his head. "Oh, okay. I'm feeling like a grape Lou Jitsu and uncomfy, and I don' know why. Do you know why?"_

_"No, I don't," Splinter states honestly, watching as his son's pout turns into a deep frown._

_"I don' like feeling bad..." Leo looks away from Splinter, placing his head on his Dad's chest again. "You feel bad all the time..."_

_Splinter's ears perk up, dread, and dashes of self-hatred sprouting in his stomach once again. Dark thoughts starting with "should have," "been better at," and "should have not_ " _making the mutant rat hug his turtle son close, staying silent as he lets the speculations eat away at him. The blame he directed towards himself being fed into another name as well, one he could not name aloud._

_"Don't worry about me, Blue," Splinter reassures, forcing the guilt from his voice. "You are the one who shouldn't feel so terrible. We need to think about that."_

_"But why? You're sad too. You're sad a lot." Leo pushes, remembering all the times his father has locked himself within his room, leaving them alone for hours or even a few days. Sometimes he would look weird, too, like his smiles. Or when he's reading books in the kitchen with big complicated words all over it, looking tired after reading it for so long._

_"Why are you so sad?" Leo asks softly. "You're happy, but sad too. Is it because of us-"_

_"Leonardo," Splinter says firmly, voice strained. Leo freezes, not moving to see his Daddy's face or ask any more questions. "Stop, uh, just-" Leo can feel the breath of his Dad's sigh. "I- look- I-I- you shouldn't believe that whatever is making me...sad...has anything to do with you four. You should never think that. In no way is that true, Blue. Not once have any of you done anything to make me feel bad. Not once. You are the only four that make me happy, actually. I enjoy playing with all of you and helping you, understanding you, and..."_

_Leo feels his Dad's tail tighten around his shell, the silence heavy. Leo is about to take a chance to sneak a look at his father when he starts to speak again._

_"I'm sorry…"_

_It's sincere and full of something Leo can't understand; the most straightforward thing he can chalk it down to is Splinter's voice sounding like a different kind of sad. He shouldn't be sad anymore, just like he doesn't want Leo to be. The young slider tucks his arms around his father's neck, squeezing in a hug, nuzzling his father's cheek with his own._

_"It's okay, Daddy. I love doing stuff wit' you too. We all love you a lot," Leo says, patting his Dad's head. "Let's cuddle. Cuddles fix the sad for both of us."_

_Splinter feels his eyes water from the sweet words, only being able to smile before they settle down back to how they were from the start of the tender hug. Leo closes his eyes and lets out a small yawn, followed by Splinter shortly after. But, just before the both of them drift off into sleep, Splinter presses a kiss to his son's forehead, the toddler smiling from the affection._

_"I love you, Blue."_

_"I love you too, Daddy."_


	4. Lemon and Ginger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wake up calls from worried brothers is always the best start to anyone's day, right?

Leo blinks away the remains of sleep, groaning as he turns and reaches for the phone vibrating violently on the bedroom floor, probably from being knocked off the bed after he passed out scrolling through social media. He leans his head heavily against the edge of the mattress, drowsily reaching for the thing, trying to keep his eyes open. The one night he could fall asleep without issue is the one night his phone had to go off, huh? 

When he finally grabs it, he quickly glances at the screen to see what's making it go off, noticing it's someone calling him. Leo lays onto his back, closing his eyes as he answers. 

"This is Leon-"

"Leo, where _are_ you? Are you okay? You're not hurt, are you?" Leo quickly pulled the phone away from his ear, wincing at the sound of Raph's worried shout booming from the phone's speakers. Well, if he ever thought he'd woken up deaf today, Leo could safely say he could hear perfectly fine now. 

The red-eared slider looked over to where April is still sound asleep on the other side of the bed, making sure he doesn't wake her as he carefully pushes the blankets off, making his way out of the room, the door softly clicking shut behind him. He lets out a yawn as he starts making his way away from April's bedroom. She deserved not to get woken up by Raph's "Big Brother Worries."

"Uh, why wouldn't I be?" Leo turns into the kitchen, yawning again as he grabs a small box sitting on the counter, taking out a little bag of Lemon and Ginger tea, ignoring the familiar feeling of restlessness. He always felt tired, no matter how much he slept. "I'm at April's place, sleeping. Well, I _was_ sleeping until _someone_ woke me up." 

"Well, the next time I get a missed call from April, I'll just sit here and wait twenty-four hours to ask if something happened!" Raph threw back, agitation from his uneasiness clear, making it obvious he had scared his brother to some degree. Or wait-

"Shouldn't you be screaming at April? I didn't call you. Why do I have to get mothered at-" Leo pulls the phone away to check the time quickly. "-8 AM? It's not my fault April butt-dialed you or something." Leo quietly opens a cupboard, pulling out two mugs, setting one towards the back of the counter as he takes the other one in hand along with the teabag, turning to the stove. He yawns again as he sluggishly sets the objects down to grab for the teapot. 

"Because she didn't answer her phone, Leo! You were both together! How do you expect me to not worry over-" Raph cuts himself off, growling in irritation before taking a deep breath to calm himself. "You're both good, right? Nothing happened?"

Leo halts his movements, staring at the counter as he proceeds to pour the water into the teapot mindlessly. _Remember the rule you placed on yourself last night,_ Leo thought, pushing away the idea of telling Raph what happened yesterday, along with the dread and questions that came along with it. _Stick to the rule, stick to the rule, stick to the rule-_

Leo gasps as he pulls the bottle of water away from the overflowing teapot, a puddle of water pooling onto the counter. "Crap!" 

"Leo?" Raph asks, confused at Leo's yelp of surprise, the clattering from him grabbing the paper towels, probably not helping his eldest brother's worried to now confused state. 

"Hold on! I spilled water everywhere!" Leo clarifies, making sure to not be noisy enough to stir April as he tidies up his mess, cursing under his breath. If he isn't panicking himself into a coma, then he's making a mess, how _nice_. 

"Of course, you're not totally awake, are ya?" Raph teases, the worry in his voice fading a little bit. Leo rolls his eyes as a small smile pulls at his lips, ignoring the irritation sitting at the back of his throat to instead focus on cheering his brother up. 

"Shut up, you woke me. I'm blaming this all on you!" Leo kidded back, his smile growing from the chuckle Raph reacts with. He could practically see Raph shake his head too. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'll take that as everything's alright over there, then?" Raph asks as Leo sets the paper towels to absorb his little sleep-and-thought-induced accident, leaning against the counter. 

"Yes, Raph. I'm sure she called you on accident and that none of us got kidnapped by some big evil guy," Leo says, looking down at the tile floor. "If that was the case, I think you'd have a voicemail from me too." 

"Well, I'd rather it not happen at all, Leo," Raph says, his serious tone covering up his teasing one. "Especially since I woke up this morning and almost had a heart attack when I saw the notification." 

"Yeah, well, I'm just surprised you even checked it, Mr. I forgot to charge it again," Leo poked, snickering at Raph's playfully offended huff. "What? Can't handle the truth, bro?" 

"More like once you get home, I'm going to have to make you pay for that one, Leon."

"Is that a promise or a threat?" Leo jokes, grinning as he looks at the wall in front of him, pictures decorating it. 

"Depends on whether or not you've got those cookies with you or not," Raph replies. Ah, the cookies. Leo looks over towards where the fridge is. A big rectangular Tupperware container filled with multitudes of cookies beside it greeted him. He almost forgot about those. 

"I've got'em, big guy, don't worry your sweet little snaggle tooth!" Raph snorts as Leo shifts his gaze back to the wall. "I'll be back home once it gets dark enough. Tell the others since I'm too lazy to!" Leo pulls the phone from his ear, blowing a kiss towards it, exaggerating the sounds to make sure Raph knew what he was doing. "Love youuuuu!" 

The snapper turtle chuckles, "Love you, too, have fun." 

"I will, Mom!"

Another huff is heard from Raph one last time before he hangs up, leaving Leo to look over his shoulder at the now soaked paper towels, sighing. 

"At least I didn't fall from the rafters this time..." Leo mutters to himself, remembering how sleep deprived he was that day to have missed a step and fallen into the wrestling pit. Even if he did have fun that day beating up Ghost Bear with Raph, he would have loved to have not gotten himself thrown around by the wrestler.

Leo pauses again, looking down at the phone still in his hand, his smile slipping, the amusement from talking with Raph going with it. 

So...April _had_ called Raph last night...

The slider's eyes look over to where the bathroom door still stood open from when they left after their little moment to crash on April's bed, tired for their own separate reasons. 

_If Leo had to bet what those tears in her eyes were for, he'd say it was because he scared her..._

_...he scared her..._

Leo quickly turned his head away. _Remember the rule._

Leo places his phone back down on the counter's dry surface, grabbing the soaked paper towels, throwing them into the trash. Continuing to make his tea and some of April's morning iced coffee. Forcing everything down deeper and deeper into a temporary box until the only thing he thinks about is the scent of Lemon and Ginger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter's really short! I wanted to make it longer but the next part would just fit better into two parts than just one full one.  
> What are your guy's thoughts so far? Any ideas on what's happening and going to happen? Any comments you'd have to make?  
> Either way, I'm just glad you're enjoying the story at least somewhat. I honestly can't wait until later in the story where things will be getting a little more interesting. :)  
> Either way, I hope you all have an okay night/day! Thank you! 
> 
> P.S. If any of you find the reference I made to a certain thing, you so deserve to get bonus points!


	5. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day filled with family and fun, a turtle couldn't ask for something better. Well...almost...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is my holiday gift to all of you! I hope that weather you celebrate any holidays or not, that you're doing okay. And that maybe this chapter can make your day a little better. 
> 
> I'd also like to dedicate this chapter to my best friend(s), who have commented on every chapter of this story and encouraged me that I can actually write some amazing stuff. Especially when they're not in the TMNT fandom and enjoy what I'm writing to an astonishing point.  
> I'd also like to dedicate this chapter to my editor who has taken so much time out of their day to edit these chapters and help me plan out and create this story from back stage. Without them both I doubt this story would still be going. 
> 
> But also, fellow reader, I thank you for being here and being interested enough to stay and enjoy this story. Because you guys mean a lot too. Without your comments and kudos I would have thought this was a really big lost cause and I'm glad you proved me wrong. 
> 
> Happy reading! ❤️

Once April woke up, the rest of the day pieced itself together. April continued to inform Leo about gender, answering his questions about what things meant or why certain things were as important as they were. They discussed everything from terms to preferences to meanings while they played video games.

Leo was retaught about the terms he vaguely learned from Splinter when he was younger, along with a whole bunch of new ones.

Apparently, being Transgender meant anyone who didn't identify as their birth sex. Like a person who was born a girl, but they felt as though their gender wasn't female but instead male. It's the same with someone born a guy, but they feel like their gender is a girl. He knew those already, but what Leo didn't realize until today was that there was more than just that.

April also mentioned the term Non-Binary yesterday. Which was someone who didn't identify as either binary gender, male and female. Instead, it was something completely different! And since some Non-Binary people don't identify as their birth sex, that means they are also Transgender! Not to mention that there were so many terms within the Non-Binary umbrella alone! Like Gender Queer, a label for someone who doesn't identify as a specific gender. Or Androgynous, which wasn't a guy or a gal and appeared like neither of the binary genders. Leo knows he learned more than those three things, but by the point that they got around into the next term, his head started to hurt. 

So far, Leo was learning that gender was complicated and seemed to overlap a lot more than he would've thought it would. Since Gender Queer meant identifying as something that wasn't binary, then wasn't that the same as Adrogyons? If so, then why not only use one term instead of two?

When he said that thought out loud, April had simply said that they weren't the same thing, and it depended on the person. She then explained two things that she said he should always consider when learning about gender, new to it or not. 

The first thing was that he should always think about the word Non-Binary when thinking about whether something should be the same as another word she would teach him. What that meant, he wasn't too sure.

The second thing was that the slight differences or large differences between genders, sexualities, and other kinds of words, matter to the many people who use them. Each difference was what made a community stronger, and each person happier with who they really are.

Hearing the last reason, Leo had looked away from April. It was similar to when Splinter had explained the "other people" that existed. That there wasn't a section for who they "really were," as both Splinter and now April put it. 

By the end of it all, Leo had learned things he never thought he'd understand or even want to. He wasn't one for reading big books as Dad and Donnie did. Leo never had an interest in learning super serious things, like Mikey and Raph, either, and this was surely chock-full of serious. He was a comic dude who only wanted to know something when it seemed interesting or when it would help someone. Disregarding the fact that Leo was trying to discover if he was a boy or not, maybe this was one of those times when he found something interesting enough to follow through with learning about it? 

Leo doubted it. He also had a feeling that if he dug any further into why he was actually fully interested in gender and not just for his own sake, it would be breaking his rule. So, he didn't want to think any further. 

Instead, Leo focused on playing with April. Since they weren't talking about gender anymore, there was finally a chance for more intense gaming sessions. Such as physically fighting each other to see who could win when someone's elbow was in the other's face, or a foot holding them down, keeping them from winning. Or simply sitting down on the edge of the couch as they tried to win the round without sabotage.

It was moments like this where they laughed and screamed at each other and the T.V. screen that Leo is reminded of how many years he and April have actually known each other. Long enough to fight like one of them wasn't a human and the other was a mutated turtle. But instead, just two siblings, two weirdos, having fun, and nothing else. 

It made him happy to remember such a simple detail. He couldn't imagine how life would be without April there with him and his brothers. 

It'd probably suck. April was the one to introduce them to nearly everything that their father hadn't. Plus, without April being their big sister, their family could never be complete. And that's a fact, no matter who thought otherwise.

Eventually, though, his time with April was up. It became dark enough for Leo to head back home. So, after one last round, Leo grabbed his things and all the sugar cookies he and April made together and exchanged a goodbye hug before Leo hopped out of her window, into the nearest manhole cover. 

As he's nearing home, Leo's phone starts to ring. It only takes the red-eared slider a moment to shift the cookies to grab for his phone in his blue pouch, answering his slightly older brother. 

"This is your favorite brother speaking," Leo states, smirking at the sound of Donnie's verbal scoff on the other side of the line. 

"If only that were a probability, my dear brother," Donnie taunts back, tone sarcastic as it usually is. "However, if you don't hurry home soon, Papa might try to steal the absurd tech I made for you as repayment for finding my beloved purple jacket." The sound of a blow torch turning on was heard in the background. "I doubt you—or really anyone in this household—would want him to be the first one to use it." 

Leo gasps, his steps quickening as he ignores the last part about Dad, instead choosing to focus on the greater news. "You finally made it!? Oh, finally! Next time we play Water Tag, you're all going down!" He grins. It was illegal that he hasn't won all summer long. Thankfully that was about to change.

"Huff, as if you have a chance against D.A.W.W.!" Donnie exclaims, chuckling evilly at the mention of his own weapon. Said weapon, of course, having a scope and the ability to shoot incredibly far. It's full name being Donnie's Amazing Winning Weapon, a very Donnie thing to call it. "Furthermore, Leon, if you had let me add some real water power to your gun, then maybe you'd have a chance."

Leo sighs dramatically. "If I had, you would have made it into an actual weapon and not a nicer looking toy. Plus, if you made it right, then there's no way I'm not winning!"

"We'll see, Leon. We'll see," Donnie taunts one last time, the blow torch turning off, being replaced with the sounds of typing. "On an unrelated note, want to accompany me today? Rapala and Micheal are in the kitchen, cooking new meals and knitting things."

Leo slides down a pipe as he answers, smiling, "You have me for the rest of the night." Donnie mumbles incoherently at him, probably knowing he's smirking at the unsaid question. Leo lands on his feet and keeps walking. "I'll put on my hoodie when I get back home."

"Uh-huh, just make sure you cleaned it right this time. I would rather not have a headache again," Donnie says, making Leo grimace a little. 

"I'm still sorry about that," Leo mutters, kicking at the few pebbles scattered around. "I forgot I left it in the wrong-" 

"Leo, what did I say about apologizing for things that have already been forgiven?" Donnie interrupts, Leo's stomach flops. A flicker of yesterday's breakdown rises into his mind. He physically shakes it away.

"Yeah, I know, habit, sor- and I'm not saying sorry for it!" Leo quickly finishes, glaring at the pipes around him when he hears Donnie snort. "Hey, you can't laugh at me!"

"I already have Leon," Donnie states, his voice mildly smug. Now it's Leo's turn to grumble under his breath, turning and jumping down from the broken ledge of a tunnel he was in and down onto the second walkway. He was almost home.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Lucky Charms, I'm almost home anyways, so torture me when I'm actually physically there, okay?" Leo suggests, shifting the Tupperware of cookies in his other arm again, hoping they don't slip. 

"Mhmm, got it, Froot Loops," Donnie replies, hanging up. Leo swiftly pockets his phone before he carefully jogs his way back home.

Even though Leo and Don don't spend as much time together compared to when they were kids, the softshell still wordlessly asked every once in a while for Leo to join him in his lab or room. That way, they could hang out or just be in each other's presence. It all depended on Donnie, really. If he wanted to deal with Leo's nonsense, the slider wouldn't pass up listening to Donnie's strange music or his info-dumping on musicals. After all, Leo grew up being Donnie's other go-to when he was having a meltdown or a shutdown. Leo wouldn't know how _not_ to enjoy his brother's happy giggles when talking about how each musical he's ever listened to was created. Not to mention quizzing Donnie on the weird things he searches up while sleep-deprived, seeing if his brother knew about it or not. Which he almost always does. 

As Leo enters, making his way through the entrance of his sweet, sweet home, he's hit with different smells. The most obvious one being something spicy, Leo makes his way up to the second level to where the kitchen is. 

"It sure smells like Mikey is having fun in here," Leo states, announcing himself, grinning, as his younger and oldest brother look over at him.

The red-eared slider waves, placing the tub of cookies safely on the wooden table that Raph was currently sitting at, his basket of yarn and needles with him. The snapper nods at him, and Leo instantly understands the meaning behind it. No getting payback for the call this morning. Good, he was kinda afraid of what his big brother would've come up with.

When Leo looks back to where Mikey had been standing near the stove, he's met with his younger brother rushing over to him, beaming.

"Leo! Come here and tell me if this tastes good!" The boxer turtle grabbed Leo's arm before he could say anything, pulling him over to the stove where a large old silver pot sits, steaming with a red liquid. It smelled like pure heaven.

Mikey swiftly takes a spoon of the red soup and turns it towards Leo, holding it out for him to try after a few careful blows to cool it down. "It's a roasted red pepper and tomato soup recipe I found online. I changed a few things from the original to give it a little more pizazz. Tell me what you think!" 

Leo looks at his little brother, amused by his never-ending joy for food before he takes the spoon and takes a sip, careful to not burn his mouth. Leo tries to take in all of the textures and tastes as it hits his tongue, blinking down at the spoon as he tries to point everything out. It was...spicy, creamy, tasted like it had garlic and, well, red peppers. It wasn't bad for something that sounded really simple.

Leo looks up at his brother, who looks right back at him with wide, expectant eyes, bouncing side to side in excitement. Leo mimics Mikey's grin from before.

"I'm surprised you're not a top-notch chef already, Mike; this is absolutely amazing!" Mikey's eyes sparkle as he takes the spoon back, tossing it in the sink as he almost vibrates in place with pure joy. 

"I know! And on the first try too! It usually takes me forever to get it this right!" Mikey explains, stirring the soup some more. Raph chuckles from the table, his smile just as wide. 

"He's had me try it at _least_ ten times by now," Raph comments, not looking up from the black piece of knitted fabric he was making. "When I told him when you'd be comin' home, he said he had to get your opinion. Since you're all about spice."

Leo breathes out a light chuckle, making his way over to Raph as Mikey starts grabbing out bowls from the cupboards. "Do you want any right now, Leo?" Mikey asks as he scoops the soup into the bowls with a ladle, the turtle in question settling down beside Raph. 

"No, sorry Mike, I snacked too much at Aprils to be hungry right now," Leo looks to Raph as Mikey gives him a distracted thumbs up, acknowledging what he said. "And you guys better leave me some for when I am actually hungry."

Raph glances over at Leo, knowing who else he's talking about. "Me and Red can't make any promises. You know how we are with food." 

Leo sighs, "Oh, do I know. Do you remember us telling you that one time Red ate so much that he had to go through a whole day with your guy's stomach aching? Man, was he upset he couldn't have some of Mikey's pumpkin pie."

Raph laughs as he puts everything away in his knitting basket. Mikey bouncing on over and serves him a bowl of soup before going and to get his own.

"How could I not? Red's whining about not being able to do it again right now." The three of them titter at that. It was no surprise, really. Red was the most hot-headed and daring one out of everyone in their system. If it wasn't for Mind constantly lecturing Red, Leo wouldn't be surprised if he tried to do the insane stunts they see on the skating show they all watch together as a family.

As Raph and Mikey start to dig into their soup, Leo looks down and sees the new kitting project Raph was making, the black thing sitting on top of the yarn balls, a contrasting color compared to the lighter and pastel-like colors surrounding it. It was already really detailed, especially for something that could eventually be something bigger, like a sweater.

"It's a choker, for Donnie," Raph explains, noticing Leo looking at the unfinished piece out of the corner of his eye.

Ah, that explains everything. Leo gently picks up the choker, looking at it carefully, not wanting to accidentally mess it up. "I saw him looking up some to buy a few days ago, so I decided to see if I make one for him." He shrugs.

"And you're doing a great job at making it!" Mikey pops in, praising his brother's hard work. "It already looks like something Donnie would wear, plus, it looks really pretty! The two trails of design on it just give a lot to it! And since it's optional to put beads at the end of the i-cords, you're always welcome to come ask me for some purple ones to use! I still have a lot left over."

"Even though I don't have beads, I totally agree with Mikey about everything else. This looks ridiculously good! Plus, it feels nice." Leo adds, placing the project back down.

"Awe, thanks, guys!" Raph says, delight radiating off of him. 

After a short while, Leo tells them he'll be heading over to Donnie's Lab to be with the softshell turtle for the rest of the night. Mikey tells him where the soup will be if he gets hungry later before he and Raph pick up the conversation. Smoothly turning it to Mikey's last project involving beads. 

Before Leo goes to his brother's lab, he makes a stop at his bedroom for his hoodie. Opening the blue curtain that acts as a doorway into his room. 

His bed is sitting by the top right corner, two wooden shelves above the bed's head. Both were filled with different action figures, collectibles, fake metals, and a few pictures of him and his family. On the floor at the side of his bed was a full-body mirror and a small wooden bookshelf filled with comics and DVDs. The bookshelf itself was littered with random stickers, like the walls were littered with posters and pictures. His blue skateboard was sitting against one of the walls behind the T.V., leaning against a simple small desk near the entrance of the room, which had a long drawer underneath the flat top. Above the desk was a metal pole near the ceiling, running from where Leo was now to the wall his bed's head was pressed against. It was low enough that Leo uses it to hang his clothes next to his desk, two plastic stackables placed under the hanging clothes. 

Leo mindlessly takes off his blue pouch, belt, and strap, tossing them onto his bed where he had left his Odachi, which he had decided to not bring over with him when he was at Aprils. 

Leo looks through his clothes for his hoodie, putting it on once he finds it. It was big enough that he could completely hide his hands and long enough to go to about knee level. 

The inside was fluffy, making it soft and smooth to the touch. Something Leo, for some reason, always felt comforted by. The fluff was a dark grey, while the outside of the jacket was a light grey. On the front of the hoodie was a square with a painted picture of a sunset in it, different shades of orange and blotches of black filling it in like a painting.

Leo takes his covered hand and brings his sleeve to his beak, smelling it to make sure he cleaned it with unscented detergent. When he smelt nothing, Leo beamed, instantly becoming cheerful with the knowledge that he wouldn't be making the mistake of overstimulating Don's sense of smell on accident again. 

He quickly gets his phone and charger and finally heads to Donnie's lab, poking his head in enough to see the softshell sitting at his desk, twirling in his purple chair, his own purple hoodie on too. 

"Guess who's here!" Leo gleefully says, making his way over to his twin. Donnie stops twirling in his chair and faces Leo, crossing his arms. 

"About time. I thought you didn't want to try out your gun." Donnie states, looking up at the slider, gesturing to his right where the gun itself sat on a metal table, held aloof by the table's robotic claws, similar to that one Battle Shell Donnie uses with the four arms. 

Leo gasps and rushes over. Stars in his eyes as he stares down at the advanced toy, fingers wiggling above it in the temptation to grab for it. It looks so much better than he could've imagined when he drew it out on paper for Donnie. 

It looked like those Spyra One water guns he's seen more than once online. Except not only was it blue with the color-changing into a shimmering sparkly gold at the front of the weapon like he drew out. But he could already tell that Donnie made some changes to the display where Leo hadn't. On the original Spyra One water gun Leo got the inspiration from, it had a small rectangle display showing a percentage of how full it was when someone refilled it by dunking the gun's tip into the water, flipping a trigger to suck in water. Donnie's modification had a gold rectangular button with what looked like a keypad with four black keys underneath it, all having various symbols. He can already guess what his brother had done. 

Leo looks over at Donnie, eyes wide and asking the only question that mattered at that moment. Donnie rolls his eyes and looks away, trying to hide a smile. 

"Yes, you can pick it up and use it." 

Leo didn't need to be told twice. The slider grabbed the gun as quickly as possible, testing the weight in his hands and becoming even giddier when it was light enough to not slow Leo down but heavy enough that he could get a good grip on it. Leo saw the entry and exit point for the water at the tip of the gun when he flipped it over to look. But when he was ready to turn it over and push the button to turn it on, Leo is met with nothing but the handle's bottom. No button. 

The red-eared slider looks up at Donnie, who makes his way over and presses the golden button at the top. Instantly a holographic display shoots up and shows three small blue transparent screens. A percentage for water levels shows on the left, a scope in the middle, and the gun's functions on the right screen. 

Leo can't help but let out a breath of disbelief and awe. 

He knows Donnie would have made it for him eventually anyway, but knowing he finished it and took the time to make his dumb drawing into something so much cooler. It really made him want to hug the ever-loving crap out of his brother.

"I'll take that as my cue that you like it," Donnie says, still watching Leo, who turns his head to his brother, looking offended by his brother's words. 

"Like it? Like it?! Ohmigosh, I'm in _love_ with it!" Leo shouts, making Donnie unable to hide his small smile anymore as it turns into a confident smirk.

Leo looks to Donnie, silently asking if he could hug him to death for this. At Donnie's sigh and nod, Leo practically crashes into him, hugging him so tight that he can tell that he is making it hard for Donnie to breathe, but he doesn't loosen his hold. Shouting a long string of quick "thank yous!" before finally letting Donnie breathe, kissing the gun before placing it back down onto the table where the robotic hands pick it up and hold it again. 

"You know you didn't have to almost kill me," Donnie comments, rubbing his shoulder. Leo nervously laughs.

"I know, sorry I'm just- ahhhhhh-" Leo can't even contain the happiness anymore. "You're just so amazing, you know that?" 

Donnie rolls his eyes. "I believe I am aware. However, I don't see how that correlates to you almost killing me?" He raises an eyebrow, and Leo knows he's trying to tease him now. 

The slider giggles and bumps his brother's shoulder. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry for almost breaking you, but it's so rare for you to actually make me something that cool without me begging every chance I get." 

"Maybe I got tired of all of you asking me for things," Donnie suggests, shrugging, though his smirk gave away any chance that that was a possibility. Leo snorts, walking over and placing an arm over his brother's shoulder. 

"I doubt you could get me to stop being annoying _that_ easily," Leo replies

"If I could, I would have already," Don states. "It would save everyone a _lot_ of inconveniences. I would be considered a hero in a sense." 

Leo pouts at his brother, "How rude of you! Your fabulous twin brother is offended now!" 

"Good, he should be," Donnie says, crossing his arms. "Since we're not technically twins."

"Ugh! Doooooooooonie!" Leo whines, leaning dramatically backward as he shouts his brother's name before popping back up and poking his brother on his plastron. "I know you know that I know that we both know that we're twins. And just because you're a softy and I'm a speedy turtle doesn't mean anything!"

"Well-"

"No, we're not fighting this again-"

"I really could-"

"No, you can't-" 

"According to the definition of twins-"

"I'm still right!"

"-is when two children have been born at the same-"

"We were born at the same time!"

"-birth and since we're two different species-"

"We share the same father!"

"-would not make us twins." Donnie ends as Leo glares at him, his pout still there and looking like the true child he is at heart.

Even though he secretly agrees with Leo, they both know he would never admit it word for word out loud.

"Well, you're still wrong," Leo concludes, making Donnie shake his head and look away as he starts walking Leo towards another part of his lab. "You're my twin, whether you like it or not, and if I had it entirely my way, I would be the oldest twin."

Donnie just responds with a simple, "mhmm" before taking Leo's arm from his shoulders and pushes him onto the bean bag he got from the main room downstairs. Leo lands on his stomach with a loud "oof!" before turning his head to look over at Donnie, his face nothing but a loud and clear, "really?". 

The softshell does nothing but shrug at his brother's reaction before turning away to grab a whole bag of flavorless juice, setting it beside where Leo was now lying properly on the bean bag, watching as Donnie sits down next to him. Forcing a straw through the juice box before silently placing his head on Leo's shoulder. 

"What was Mikey making in the kitchen?" 

"Some soup, but not one I think you'd be able to eat," Leo responds, placing his head on top of his brothers, his headset not on to be able to stop him. Donnie's fingers begin to tap on his wrist tech, the screen now covered with different colored blocks, each once lighting up every time he taps on one with his empty hand, his other hand still holding his juice box.

"Let me guess, texture, and taste?" Donnie questions.

"More like taste." Leo watches his brother tap a pink block twice. "Too spicy for you." 

"Ah, that makes sense. What about Raph? What is he making now?" 

"Something," Leo says playfully, not knowing for sure if Raph wanted Donnie to know about his little gift for him just yet. Donnie huffs.

"Something? I would have never guessed! It's almost like that's what I had been asking about, Leon," Donnie retorts, bumping his head against Leo's in annoyance. The red-eared slider can only chuckle at his brother's weak nudge.

"I know, right?" Leo continues, grinning. "But alas, I must not tell my twin what said thing is! It's much more fun to bug thee!"

Donnie rolls his eyes, groaning. "Oh, please stop now. You are destroying my ears. They'll be bleeding soon." 

"Okay, okay, fine, whatever. But what I said still stands!" Leo begrudgingly says. "But I'll move on now, for your sake." 

"My sake?" Donnie repeats, raising an eyebrow as he continues to tap the blocks on his wrist. "Wow, now I'm concerned about your wellbeing. Do we need to have a family meeting? I think you might have caught a virus if you stopped so quickly!" 

Leo laughs, poking his brother's shoulder. "Hey now! Don't make it sound so dramatic! I do stop teasing sometimes!" 

"Yeah, when Meatsweats flies," Donnie returns, kicking the bag of juices closer to them, grabbing one without moving away from Leo. "Which I guess that means we should go up top and see if he's flown into the sun yet." 

At that imagery, Leo can't help but burst out laughing, the slider's head falling from Donnie's as he curls up.

"Hey! Stop laughing! You're vibrating my head with your shoulders!"

The image of Donnie's head bobbing up and down at lightning speed only makes Leo laugh even harder. To the point, Leo wouldn't be surprised if his brothers and father could hear him from outside his lab. 

"Leo, oh my god- _stop_ !" Donnie desperately pleads. "It wasn't even that funny! What did you do? Eat half the batch of cookies you promised us? Why are you laughing like you inhaled laughing gas? I was comfortable, and now you've ruined it! _Stop laughing_!" 

Leo can't respond. Tears were forming at the edges of his eyes now, stomach aching. He didn't know why he was laughing so much, but he just couldn't stop. 

"Leo, not only are you going to die from asphyxiation if you don't stop, but you're going to wake up every New Yorker, dead or alive!" Donnie shouts, sitting up and throwing his now empty juice box at him, hitting Leo hard enough on the cheek it makes his head turn an inch from the force. Thankfully it causes Leo to take in a deep breath and snap himself out of it. His fit of laughter subsiding into giggles and deep gasping breaths. 

"Donnie-" Leo giggles. "I-I'm sorry I just-" Leo quickly covers his mouth, snorting instead of giggling again, not at all focusing on the slight sting of his cheek. "That was w-way funnier than it should have, _holy_ _crap_!" 

"I'm just thankful you didn't die, you goofy idiot," Donnie responds, sitting back down harshly. "Just because I'm the funniest one in this family doesn't mean I want you to die!" 

Leo lets out a slow, calm breath before turning to his brother. "Okay, I know, it's not like I did it on purpose, though!"

"Doesn't matter," The softshell says sternly, crossing his arms, his fists clenching and unclenching. 

"Awe come on, you're not mad, are you?" Leo asks, slowly beginning to worry. The nice feeling from his laughing fit fading away. Had he scared, Donnie? Hurt his feelings somehow? Maybe he shouldn't have laughed so hard about something so dumb.

"No, I'm not mad," His twin replies, looking down at Leo. "You just-" He glances away, sighing. "Stop worrying. It's fine." Don gives Leo a pointed look, knowing fully well what his mind was already thinking up. "Can we simply continue conversing now? I was having fun listening to your vexatious voice as I stimmed."

Leo nods, chuckling nervously, as he sits back on the bean bag, lifting his arm to allow Donnie to settle his head on Leo's plastron instead. Setting his hand on Donnie's shoulder, out of the way of his brother continuing to tap on his wrist tech. 

"Happy?" 

"Enjoyment is returning." 

Leo chuckles, not saying anything as he listens to Donnie's soft electronic taps. The purple blocks' sound is close to a soft piano key—the pink one sounding like the twist of a Rubix cube. They were both the two Donnie tapped the most out of all the colors that lit up. Probably because they seemed the nicest to listen to and light up over and over at the moment.

"How did your sleepover with April go, by the way? You did leave really quickly, after all. It must have been interesting to make you that urgent to leave." Donnie asks suddenly, genuinely curious. 

All at once, all the happiness, calm, and excitement Leo was feeling was sucked out of his body quicker than Mikey opening the oven for something he accidentally burnt to a crisp. His body tensed, and his breathing stopped before he could force himself to act like the mention of the sleepover didn't make everything bad that happened crash together into a suffocating ball of emotions. The box in his chest seems to feel overwhelmingly heavier and asking for attention. To be opened and poured out like a large plastic jar with small needles hiding in all the hundreds of pennies that filled it.

 _Why? Why? Why? Why?_ Slipped into his mind where the box in his chest slipped open. The few questions in his mind were running into each other, swarming what little thought he had at this moment and making it hard to breathe. 

_Why did he feel this way?_

_Why was he so scared?_

_Why didn't he want to find out?_

_Why did he worry and scare April?_

_Why was he like this?_

_Why did he keep asking questions?_

_Why couldn't he keep it all under lock and key?_

_What was wrong with him?_

_What was wrong with him?_

_What was wrong with him?_

Leo clenched his jaw as he tried to force everything down again. Tried to catch every question, every thought, every terrifying feeling and shoved it deeper than before. So down deep that it had to be a mile deep, and everything on top had to be nothing but steel and concrete.

 _Now was not the time to freak out!_ He screamed at himself, the voice in his head sounding as wild and frightened as he felt. He continued to push back against the writhing feelings slipping past his fingers as he tried to frantically push them down. _Remember the rule. Remember the rule. Remember the rule- the rule, the rule, the rule, the rule, the rule, the rule, the-_

"Leo?"

The slider let out an almost inaudible breath. Leo shifts his gaze from wherever it had suddenly gone, back to his twin brother.

His eyes were on him. Focused and sharp, like he was looking at one of his projects that had malfunctioned in a way he hadn't expected. 

_Why was he a malfunctioning mess?_

Leo swallowed the question, inwardly cringing as he physically heard himself gulp it down. 

_Act normal._

Leo raises a non-existent eyebrow at him, voice confused. "Uh, yeah?" 

Donnie barely narrows his eyes. Leo caught the movement anyway. "Why are you so tense and acting weird all of a sudden?" 

_Because I am weird. I am wrong. Why am I like this?_

"Oh! Sorry!" Leo apologizes, grinning. Donnie doesn't look reassured by it. "I was just remembering the reeeeeally awkward thing I did."

"What thing?" 

_The one where I scared her. Where I overreacted. Like I am now. Why does this keep happening? Why am I so afraid?_

"Well, you see," Leo nervously laughs. "I kinda walked in on her at the wrong moment like an idiot-"

"What? Like the bathroom?" 

_Why couldn't I have put on the nail polish? Why did I break down at the sight of it?_

Leo grimaces. "Yes, it was the worst thing ever! I didn't mean to! I thought she went into her bedroom!"

_Why?_

"Oh my god, Leo, please tell me you didn't walk in on her doing something really weird to walk in on," Donnie states as he cringes, believing the lie. "Like her going to the bathroom!"

_Why was I so interested in learning about gender but not finding out my own? Why was that so frightening?_

"Oh, god, no!" Leo says, scrunching up his face at the thought. "We were just getting ready for bed, and she had done that thing where she magically takes off her shirt from underneath her nightgown." 

_Lie. Lie. Why am I lying? My family would accept me._

"Ahhhh, okay," Donnie says. They've seen it a thousand times by now. April always finds their reactions funny when he does it with different types of clothing. Since they've been friends for so long, none of them are bothered by it.

_They would. I know this. Why am I scared? Why do I keep repeating the same questions?_

"But to answer your original question, we just baked cookies and talked a whole lot before that happened, and we went to sleep after. Today we just played video games. That was pretty much it. But yeah, I still felt bad because I jump scared her on accident too. She wasn't expecting me to open the door." Leo concludes.

Leo pushed one last time against the inner turmoil before locking it within the box, nailing it down, chaining it up, and then burying it. Only one last question flitted through Leo's brain before it was eerily quiet again. 

_Why can't I be normal?_

"Huh, okay," Donnie says, laying his head back down on Leo. "That makes sense, I guess. Next time don't be a fool and knock first. At least your little mistake didn't mess up the whole sleepover, right?"

Leo chuckles. "Not one bit." 

_Not one bit..._

Donnie moved the conversation in a different direction after that, asking the A.I. in his lab to play some of his music quietly in the background as he started explaining the new project he was working on. It was enough that Leo eventually got back into the mindset he had been in before. Having fun with his brother and enjoying every second of it. 

But, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it and focus on being as happy as he was, he was overly aware of the box now buried deep within him. Aware of its presence to the point, it was distracting. Distracting in the sense that it felt like it wasn't just a box hiding things he didn't want to deal with. But...instead, something similar to the boogeyman. 

As the hours passed, it only became scarier and scarier. Leo knew now that the longer he buried it, the longer everything sitting in it would build up and overwhelm him even more. He knew that he should listen to the voice of reason in his mind that sounded a lot like Mikey roleplaying as Doctor Feelings. Telling him to open up and let it out with whoever he could and understand what was going on with them instead of allowing it to get worse and worse.

But he couldn't do that. 

He didn't know why. But he just couldn't do it. 

Not even with April. 

Something was blocking him, keeping him from doing all these things that just made sense to do. He didn't know what, and really, he didn't want to know. Leo didn't want anything to do with these things coming at him in all directions. They were too powerful, too dark, and they hurt. 

The only thing Leo could do was follow his rule like a lifeline. To go through with his plan and go with it until he got his answer. Then he'd... he'd...

What? Finally, go through them, understand them? After he just said he wanted nothing to do with them and knew they'd get worse over time? 

He was stuck.

He doesn't know what to do anymore. He's lost and scared about this one part of him that seems to pick at him every chance it gets. He thought that actually figuring out his gender would be the most frightening part. Maybe it still is. Maybe this is what this was. But he wouldn't know.

He wouldn't know.

By now, Leo has left Donnie sleeping in his room. The slider now sat in the kitchen's pitch darkness staring at where Raph and Mikey had been hours earlier. When he had come home happy, having forgotten everything that pledged his mind the night before, and everything he had to shove away while talking with April.

Would every planned hangout to figure this out be as difficult as this? As draining? Would Leo have to lose even more sleep just because he thinks he might not be a boy?

Leo silently wishes he never went to April's apartment. Wishes he never opened his mouth and spilled everything to her. 

Wishes that this feeling of _wrong_ would go away.

Suddenly...everything became clear.

Why everything seemed to be something to panic over. To second guess over and over and over again in a way that wasn't like all those queer movies, he's watched with his family. 

No...it made perfect sense now why he keeps breaking down like this, why everything was so terrifying. 

Why hadn't he realized it...

Leo leaned against the island in the middle of the kitchen, trying to stop the hot tears that were falling from his eyes. 

It would have made this all so much easier if he had just realized it before...

Leo turns, slowly starting to sit down on the cold concrete floor, shell pressed against the metal island. His tears blinding him even more than the almost never-ending darkness around him that seemed to engulf him whole. Make him feel even more different. 

Even more alone. 

He looked through the tears at the blurry outlined entrance into the kitchen. Hoping, praying no one wakes up and walks in to find him here.

Leo didn't want to be right...

No matter what, he didn't want to be right about this feeling of something missing inside of him. Something so deep and old that he can't remember a time where it wasn't there. Only feeling better when he had that strange happiness. Feeling different than what he was—a boy.

Because that is what he was and what he _has_ to be.

Because even though he needs to know if he isn't, that doesn't change the ugly truth that he's realized now.

He doesn't want to be something different. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 1/30/21: Y'all should buckle up for the next chapter(s?). I won't say why, buuuuuut-  
> Let's just say, this is where any of you fellow theorists out there might have some fun connecting dots! ;)


	6. Crayons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes stubborn baby brothers aren't entirely a bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry, this took forever, me and my editor have been busy as hell and because of it I kinda just decided to post this despite the fact they haven't edited it yet. You guy's have just been waiting so long and I didn't want to make you guys wait any longer, haha. Anyway! Just make sure to reread the next few chapters for updates if you don't want to miss out on any changes that might occur from editing.   
> Happy reading!

_"Hey, Leo!"_

_The slider looks up from his new comic book to see his baby brother running into his room, eyes wide and excited. Grin big and bright despite his two missing front teeth. The boxer turtle hops onto Leo's bed, starting to bounce around him like they were on a trampoline._

_"What do you want?" Leo asks, slightly annoyed by Mikey interrupting Jupiter Jim's fight against the Zero-Force._

_"Wanna play?" Mikey asks, landing on Leo's shell, giggling. Leo looks away from his brother and back at his comic._

_"No, Mikey, I don' feel like playing right now..." Leo responds, making Mikey's smile fall as he looks at his older brother, worried._

_"Hey," Mikey throws himself next to Leo, arms dangling off the edge of the bed. "Why are you sad?"_

_"I'm not sad, Mikey," Leo reassures, but the sound of his voice and the way he looks even sadder doesn't comfort the youngest turtle._

_"Den, why do you look like you're sad?" Mikey questions, tilting his head to see his brother's face better. Leo gives the boxer turtle an irritated look as he turns his shell to him._

_"Because you- you're just thinking I am, but I'm not!" Leo replies, squinting his eyes at the colorful pictures of a space ship shooting down at a purple and red planet below it, trying to focus on it instead._

_Mikey stays silent._

_"Just go away Mikey, I'll play later," Leo promises, his voice sounding tired and not at all like Mikey's older brother. "Go bug Raph if he isn't acting weird."_

_Mikey looks away from his brother and, after a long moment, finally gets off the bed, slowly making his way out of Leo's room. Even with him gone, Leo doesn't feel better. Not even seeing that Jupiter Jim was winning against the Evil Emperor that controls Zero-Force made him feel better._

_And he was so excited when his Dad surprised him with this issue earlier today. He'd wanted to read it so badly..._

_Leo hears his brother come into his room again not long after he left. He quickly turns to see Mikey throw paper and crayons down on his floor._

_"Mikey! I told you to leave, go away!" Leo shouts, frustrated by his stubborn little brother. Mikey looks up at him, face scrunched up into a challenging look, arms crossed over his plastron, hiding his rainbow sticker._

_"No! You're feeling bad, and I'm not gonna to leave you alone jus' because you wan' me to!" Mikey shouts back, his bottom lip poking out and his eyes narrowing, daring Leo to try and make him leave._

_The older turtle groans and puts his comic book down, sitting up to look down at Mikey. "Why not?! I leave when you don' want to play! Why can't you do it too?!"_

_"Because I'm not sad!" Mikey retorts, not ignoring how Leo looks more upset by that accusation._

_"I'm not sad!"_

_"Den color with me!"_

_"Mikey-"_

_"No!" Mikey's bottom lip quivers, trying not to shout at Leo. "I am gonna be like Lou Jitsu's friend, and I'm not gonna to leave you by yourself! Lou Jitsu was sad, and when he cried, his friend stayed! Da says dat's the nice t'ing to do, and I wanna do it!"_

_"Only because he told you to!"_

_"No, because I wan' to make you happy again so we can play, and we can be happy together!"_

_Leo closes his mouth and looks away._

_Mikey always did this when he felt like something was wrong. He'd make something to make the others smile or sit with them until they felt better, even if it was welcomed or not. Like when he randomly sits with Splinter in the living room or draws Raph beating up the words he can't spell and winning a fight with them._

_Leo sighs and gets off his bed, and sits next to Mikey, crossing his arms._

_"Fine, I am sad," Leo admits. "Daddy said what I'm feeling is uncomfiness and out of place."_

_"Out of place?" Mikey questions, tilting his head curiously. Leo nods his head._

_"Like Lou Jitsu in a bad guys lair. He isn't like all the bad guys, so he's the different one." Leo explains. Mikey says a quiet "oh" of understanding before looking at the crayons and paper he brought with him._

_"Maybe you can draw it? Maybe dat will help?" Mikey suggests, picking out a yellowish-green crayon and a piece of paper and pushing it towards Leo. The red-eared slider looks down at it and shakes his head._

_"Mikey, I don' think it'll work-"_

_"Just try, p'ease?" Mikey asks, giving Leo a pleading look that almost always works on their Dad and, sadly, works on Leo too. The slider sighs and picks up the crayon, and starts to draw himself._

_He starts by creating a circle for his head and a small line for his neck. Connecting it with a rectangle for his plastron, and eventually four lines for his legs and arms. Adding three little lines for his fingers and the lines of his plastron after that._

_He asks Mikey to give him the red, blue, and black crayons to color in the red marks on his face, make black dots for eyes, and his blue bandana that's on his head, and more stuff. Noticing his baby brother peeking at his drawing as he picks up the black crayon again. Placing it at the center of his chest before he starts filing it with a big black hole that soon takes up most of his plastron and a little of his neck._

_When Leo's done with the large void-looking circle, he puts down the crayon and shoves the picture towards his brother, who picks it up and studies it for a long moment._

_"Wow, you have feel really bad..." Mikey sympathetically states, staring at the black part sadly. "Does it hurt?" The boxer turtle looks at Leo, eyes searching his brother._

_The slider shakes his head. "No. It just feels...big and..." Leo trails off._

_Mikey leans closer to Leo. "And what?"_

_"And...like, I don't know- like, something feels wrong," Leo concludes, bringing his knees to his chest. "I don' like it."_

_Mikey frowns and places his head on Leo's shoulder, one of his arms wrapping around Leo. "Dat's okay. Da tells me all the time dat it's okay to feel bad. I hope it will go away soon."_

_"Yeah..." Leo leans his head on Mikey's, closing his eyes._

_"Me too, Mikey..."_

__


	7. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Questions, questions, questions. They never left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading! :D  
> (Future edits might take place, unedited by my editor)

_Leo watches as his big brother runs across the room with his dinosaur onesie on, pretending to be the dragon, as Mikey chases him with the cardboard Paper Towel Sword Splinter gave them to use as the knight's sword. Mikey's eyes are partially covered by Raph's red helmet as he screams his head off, trying to "kill" Raph._

_Dad was too busy watching his shows to play with them again today, but that wasn't exactly why Leo was as upset as he was right now._

_The little slider turtle turns his gaze towards the colorful stuffed bear next to him, its pink plastic crown sitting awkwardly on its head as it stares blankly at his brothers battling each other._

_No, Leo was angry because of a stupid stuffed animal._

_He looks away, puffing up his cheeks and crossing his arms and legs as he continues to get angrier and angrier. His brother's just had to choose her to be the queen! Couldn't have chosen anyone else! No, no, it's not like Leo had wanted to play the queen!_

_The red-eared slider whips his head around to glare at the toy, whispering to it fiercely, "I would have been a gooder queen than you!" Before sharply looking away, ignoring whatever his apparent queen had to say. "Stupid, dumb, mean, gross, poopy, fart-like, barf-"_

_Leo pauses his insults towards the thing when he spots Donnie step out of his quiet place, wearing his special headphones he got a week ago, running quickly over to where their father was in the T.V. room. He leans to the side in his seat to try and peak into the room. It wasn't usual for him to come out so early. What was he going to do with Dad?_

_It was too bad that Leo couldn't see anything from the angle he was at at the moment. But he swore he saw Donnie holding something in one of his hands while he was waving his other hand around weirdly._

_"Leo! Come help me! Raph is too big!"_

_The slider looks to his baby brother, seeing him struggling to drag a "dead" dragon Raph over to where Leo was sitting._

_"I am very strong," Leo grins, making his way over._

_Mikey grabs Raph's left ankle tightly as Leo grabs Raph's right one, the both of them starting to slowly pull him over to where Leo had been sitting._

_"Dat makes sense. You are da king, after all!" Mikey beams, happy with his own little comment._

_Leo, on the other hand, clenches his jaw, abruptly and harshly pulling Raph's leg, making their older brother mutter a quiet "ow" as Mikey nearly trips over his own feet, trying to stay with Leo's quick pace. "Leo, I can' walk dat fast- slow down!"_

_Leo drops Raph's leg after one more pull and turns to Mikey, face scrunched up furiously. "I am not the king! Stop calling me that!"_

_Mikey hides his face slightly in his shell, confused why Leo was yelling at him. "But Leo, you're playing as the king-"_

_Something stirs in the young red-eared slider's chest, the feeling hot and awful, as he stomps over to where the bear sat and knocked it to the floor. Its crown scattering to where Raph was now watching him, worried._

_"I am not! I said I wanted to play as the queen, but you didn't listen! I am not the king! I am the queen!"_

_"Leo-" The slider swiftly whips his head in his older brother's direction, breathing hard and quick, body as tense as a spring. "Don' yell at Mikey, we didn' know-"_

_"I told you!"_

_"Maybe we didn' hear you, Leo!" Raph says, starting to get angry too as he stands up. "You could of asked again! You can play if you want, but you don' have to be mean!"_

_"But- I-" Leo clenches his fists and tenses his shoulders again, his anger shifting into shame and confusion, mixing together, making a mess in his chest. "I'm not being mean!"_

_"Yes, you are! You're yelling at Mikey!" Raph argues, glancing at their baby brother, who looks between the two of them._

_"I am not!" Leo weakly shouts, stomping his foot. "You-"_

_"What is going on in here?!"_

_Leo's eyes widen as he snaps his head up to look at his Dad standing a ways away from where they were, hands on his hips. Donnie standing slightly behind him, watching them all, squeezing his shoulder tightly._

_The slider gulps as he watches Mikey run-up to Splinter, hugging his arm as he hides his face from Leo. Raph turns to their Dad, pointing to Leo. "He was being mean to Mikey because he didn't want to play the king!"_

_Everyone's eyes except Mikey's shifted to Leo._

_Under everyone's gaze, he shifted nervously on his feet and looked to the floor. His anger was completely gone now, replaced with a burning shame that made him wish he could hide under the chair the dumb bear was sitting on. He glanced at it, almost debating whether he could before he decided it wouldn't be the brightest idea._

_"Blue, why were you mean to your brother?" Splinter asks, voice gentle but firm. Leo hugged himself, trying to look everywhere but up at his Dad._

_"I didn't want to play king..." The young slider responds quietly._

_"Why did you think being mean to your brother would have accomplished you not playing as the king anymore?"_

_Leo stayed silent._

_Splinter let out a tired sigh before looking to his oldest as he gently pats Mikey's head. "Red, go play with Orange in his room." Raph instantly took Mikey's hand and smiled down at him, pulling him from Splinter and to his bedroom, where he promises a tea party with Mikey._

_Splinter then turns to Leo, "Stay here. I'm going to help Purple."_

_Leo does as he's told, and after a while of standing in the middle of the main room worrying about how bad he'll be in trouble, Splinter returns. The young turtle's father sighs when he sees his second youngest son's panicked and avoidant gaze._

_"Blue, let's go to your room, then we'll...talk, okay?" Splinter says, tone a little awkward. Leo allows Splinter to take his hand and lead him into his room. Once there, Leo quickly gets on his bed and hides in a blanket._

_"Blue, why are you hiding?" Splinter asks, confused, as he makes his way over, sitting at the edge of Leo's bed. His ear is twitching, though he sounds and looks calm._

_"You're mad," Leo states, voice still noticeably upset even though he sounds muffled._

_"A little, yes," Splinter replies, looking away from his son in thought. "But, I don't want to ground you again, and I want to know why you hurt your brother's feelings."_

_"You're lying."_

_"Hey! I'm not that big of a lier!" Splinter quickly states defensively, crossing his arms._

_"You lied about eating all our Halloween candy! Every year too! You said it was the Halloween ghost!" Leo shouts back. "You even lied about the Goblin that was in your closet!"_

_"Well, who said the Goblin could be seen by little turtles who are too nosy for their own good?" Splinter retorts._

_Leo groans, grabbing his pillow and throwing it blindly at his Dad. The rat turns his shoulder to let the cushion fall on the floor. "Go away! I didn't mean to hurt Mikey's feelings! I-" Leo grits his teeth, starting to become upset again._

_"Blue, I'm sorry, that was my fault," Splinter reassures, panicking as he moves closer, patting the little slider's shell through the blankets. Trying to get him to calm down. "Just tell me what happened."_

_Leo stays silent for a moment, breathing hard as he lets his Dad comfort him. Slowly calming down as Splinter patiently waits for his son to speak. And after a short while, the young turtle does._

_"...You wouldn't know..." Leo explains softly. "So...it doesn't matter."_

_"Why do you think that?" Splinter inquiries, tilting his head, still gently trying to soothe his son._

_"Because you said you didn't know why I felt so bad. All the bad uncomfiness and out of places. So, if you don' know, why should I tell you about what happened," Leo explains, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. "You wouldn't know why again."_

_The rat frowns, pausing as he stares down at his son._

_"Blue, just because I may not know everything about a lot of things doesn't mean you can't say something. Your brothers and I care for you, you know that." Splinter signs, ears folding back, one still twitching. "Just because we don't understand doesn't mean we don't want to...what the phrase I'm looking for? That doesn't mean that we don't want to try to be...there for you."_

_Leo silently peaks out from his blanket, watching his father anxiously continue on his spill._

_"I may not know a lot about being a good father, but I try, because...well..." He scratches the back of his neck, not looking at Leo anymore. "I care about all of you being happy. I try to learn as much as I can to make sure you are all happy. So, if- well- if having to sit here and talk about gooshie things like this makes you...feel better or- something. Then I would do it? Though I'm really not sure how or when or- nevermind- what I'm trying to say is-"_

_"Dad," Leo intervenes, face scrunched up into an understanding yet pleading look for him to stop before he embarrassed himself even more. "I got it."_

_"Okay, good- I wasn't sure-"_

_"No, I got it-"_

_"Okay, okay, good."_

_They sit there in awkward silence for a while, Splinter's ear twitching a bit more as he looks around the room, not sure what to do now as Leo just sits there, fidgeting with his blanket. It was only after Splinter clears his throat that Leo finally gives in, not looking up from fidgeting._

_"I don' know why I got really angry." Splinter looks back at him, Leo shifts under his gaze. "I...I got really mad because I wanted to be..." Leo glances at his Dad before looking down, curling into himself. "...the queen. I was always the boy knight or the king or the funny man for the king, but not the queen. And, I just really wanted to play the queen because...I don' know. I did not want to be the king, like really bad I didn't want to._

_"I got really mad at Raph's toy bear, and I felt really, really angry when they called me king. Because I didn't want to be king, and I told them I wanted to play, but they didn't listen!" Leo takes in a deep breath, gritting his teeth. "I don' want to be king!"_

_Leo's anger melts away._

_"But...I didn't mean to hurt Mikey. We were just playing, and I got really angry, and I don't know why I got so mad. It just makes me so mad to be the king, so, so mad! But I feel really bad for scaring Mikey..."_

_Leo hugs his knees to his chest, laying his head on them as he looks at his nightlight. His Dad gave it to him so it would protect him from the shadow monsters in his room._

_Leo's frown deepens._

_"Am I a bad kid?"_

_Splinter's ears perk up at that, eyes widening from an intense flash of concern. "Of course not, Blue."_

_"Then why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so angry?" Leo lifts his head, looking at his Dad, bottom lip quivering. "Why do I have to feel so bad all the time? I don' like feeling bad. I don't want to be a bad brother. I don't want to be bad, Daddy!"_

_Leo's eyes water as he starts to cry. Splinter instantly takes Leo in his arms and hugs him tight, petting his head as his son cries into his shoulder._

_"If I'm not bad if I didn't do something wrong, then why do I feel bad? I feel the uncomfy, and it's bad; why is it bad?" Leo desperately asks, coughing on his tears. "Can you please make it go away?"_

_Splinter closes his eyes tight as he hugs Leo even tighter._

_"I don't know, Blue, shhh, shhh..." He stokes Leo's head. "But, when I find out, I promise you I'll do whatever I can to help you, okay? You're not a bad kid. It'll be alright, Blue. I promise."_

_"B-But you-" Leo coughs, sniffling._

_"Blue," Splinter says gently, only a sliver of anxiety in his voice. "You're going to be alright. It was an accident today. You'll apologize, and it'll be okay. We'll figure out everything else. Just...Just...think of something funny! Like- Like that one show with the weird frog getting stuck in the pig's house!"_

_Leo smiles a little, knowing exactly what his Dad was mentioning._

_"Or the one with the cars turning into a pie on accident!" Splinter continues, desperately hoping that this works. He didn't want his son to cry anymore, to feel bad. To believe that this feeling he was having was somehow his fault._

_"O-Or the one with sheep and pig dancing on pig's cooking show?" Leo adds, sniffing._

_"Exactly!" Splinter encourages, plastering an almost genuine smile. "Or make up something funny!"_

_"Like poop?" Leo breaks out into giggles saying the silly word. Splinter can't help but chuckle a little too._

_"Yes, Blue," Splinter says, wiping away Leo's tears as his son continues to sniffle. Leo pauses, thinking for a moment before looking up at Splinter._

_"Can I say sorry now?"_

_Splinter nods, taking Leo's hand as they make their way out of Leo's room. Knowing Leo will want to apologize as quickly as possible. He never liked making his brothers feel bad for too long._

_"Can I sleep in Mikey's room too?" Leo asks, looking up at Splinter, who smiles down at him. It was one of his weird smiles._

_"Only if he wants you to, Blue," Splinter states honestly._

_"You think he's still going to be mad?" Leo asks._

_"I don't know, but it's possible. But it'll still be okay, you know how Orange is," Splinter replies. Leo nods._

_Soon enough, Leo's outside the orange curtain of Mikey's room. He can hear his little brother laughing loudly and screaming, Raph giggling and saying something about his Teddy bear Cheech, a squeak following after, and a loud gasp._

_Leo fiddles with his hands, biting his cheek as he stares at the curtain. He doesn't want to ruin Mikey's and Raph's fun again, even though he wants to say sorry. Maybe he could come back later when Mikey would be happier seeing him. Yeah, that sounds like the best plan-_

_Suddenly something that feels suspiciously like his Dad's tail pushes him through the curtains and stumbling over his own feet. When Leo's no longer almost falling flat on his face, he freezes and slowly looks up, eyes wide, nervous._

_In the room, Raph's hanging out of Mikey's cacoon hammock, his Teddy Bear in his hand, mid-pause of throwing it over to where Mikey was sitting in the hammock he sleeps in, armed with a warn round yellow pillow. They're staring at Leo as Leo stares back._

_It's silent for far too long._

_Leo gulps and nervously starts fidgeting again._

_"Uh..." Leo glances back at where he knows his Dad is still standing before looking back at Mikey. The box turtle's hugging his pillow to his chest now._

_The young red-eared slider sighs._

_"I'm sorry, Mikey. I didn't mean to get angry and yell at you," Leo quickly looks to Raph. "Or you. I don' know why I got so mad, but I feel really bad, and I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings, Mikey."_

_The youngest turtle shares a glace at the oldest before looking back at Leo._

_"Mean it?" Mikey asks._

_Leo smiles. "I mean it."_

_The next thing Leo feels is a pillow hitting him smack in the face, only hearing a surprised Raph shouting, "Mikey!" and mischievous giggling. Leo sits up from where he fell on the floor, glaring at Mikey, though the grin on his face throws off any real anger he may be feeling._

_He grabs the pillow and throws it back at Mikey, hitting it straight in the chest. "You're it!"_

_"Pillow Tag?" Raph asks, excited, placing Cheech behind him safely, ready to run from Mikey for the second time today._

_"Pillow Tag!" Leo confirms, laughing as he dodges a pillow from Mikey. Raph throwing himself dangerously from the cacoon hammock onto the floor to avoid the next cushion now flying past him._

_"Who ev'r's it next has to be kissed last by Dad!" Mikey shouts._

_"No way!"_

_"It's on!"_


	8. Silliness Found You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Playing games, the one way to find the perfect hiding spot.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading!  
> (Future edits might take place, unedited by my editor)

_ "I not peasant!" Mikey shouts, the little turtle lifting up the Paper Towel Sword, now held together by messily placed tape, a determined pout set on his face. "I a healer! I will help the dinosaur save the prisoner!"  _

_ A loud "ROAR!" is heard beside Mikey. Raph is in his dinosaur onesie again, lifting his arms above his head as he beams up at where Leo lies on the kitchen table. Just from the proud look on his face, it looks like this was Raph's plan to free him this time.  _

_ "He doesn't like non-peasants!" Leo shouts back, voice dramatic as he gestures for them to run away. His brothers don't listen to him, though, noisily making their way over to where Leo sat anyway. That is until Leo's eyes turn wide in panic, gasping when he glances behind them. "Wait- run, he's behind you!"  _

_ Both Mikey and Raph turn around to find their father standing at the room's entrance, arms crossed and smiling wickedly. Before the rat could say anything cool or funny, his youngest and oldest scream, running as far away from their Dad as possible, causing Splinter to chase after them as quickly as he can before he didn't have a chance to catch them at all. _

_ "You can't run from Monster Dad!" Splinter shouts, arms outstretched as he chases after Raph once Mikey splits away from his big brother, the snapper turtle giggling as he tries to keep out of his Dad's reach. Mikey dives behind the table Leo was now standing on, watching from the corner as Raph starts to laugh more and more, Splinter getting too close to catching him by his dinosaur tail. _

_ "Raph's in trouble, Mikey!" Leo shouts, jumping up and down, pointing to where Raph quickly turns, Splinter following. "You have to help him! Do something, or he's going-" _

_ "But I don't wanna be tickled!" Mikey shouts back, interrupting his brother, squirming where he's seated on the floor. "I'm a healer, not dinosaur! You help him! You're a prisoner. Prisoners fight a lot to escape!"  _

_ "But I don't want to be tickled either!" Leo says, watching as Raph's tail gets grabbed, slowing him down before Splinter takes his sides, lifting him off the ground as Raph shouts for his brothers to help him. "Wait!" Leo hops off the kitchen table and to Mikey. "Don't save Raph; If we run, we can't be tickled!"  _

_ Mikey gasps in realization, his face lighting up in understanding as he gets up and starts to run out of the room, leaving his cardboard sword behind, not even thinking about the now captured Raph. Leo soon joins him as Raph's giggles turn into stomach aching laughs, the threat of the Monster Dad too close for comfort.  _

_ "Mikey! Over here!" Leo shouts once they're far enough away from the kitchen, now on the main level of their home, waving his hand to catch his baby brother's attention. However, that attention was directed elsewhere, specifically the T.V. in the living room playing his favorite cartoon.  _

_ "Mikey! No, you- Augh!" Leo presses his back to the sewer wall, hiding from the sight of the kitchen, glancing around to make sure his father wasn't going to pop up. "Of course, he had to go look at the T.V., we play a game, and he doesn't even keep playing!" _

_ The slider turtle doesn't chance another glace back at his little brother, shuffling further from the kitchen and through the tunnel to another room, it being dark enough to hide in.  _

_ He and his brothers have played this capturing game for about an hour now, a game full of nothing but running and belly-aching laughs. The game was basically their father tagging them and tickling them, imprisoning them into a room for each other to free the other, or making little minions that help him. _

_ Mikey was usually the one having to be the most active since he was a healer and had to help his brother's who were trapped the most out of the three of them. Raph's job, since he tries to squeeze being somewhat like a Dinosaur into every game they play, he usually lured their father with his stomping for the plans they would all make together, or did what Leo does, and runs for his life. _

_ It was a shame that Leo himself got caught today, though. Leo's streak of not being snatched by his Dad now back to zero once he was sat on the kitchen table in his prison. He should have watched his back more often, especially since he was the fastest and usually made all the plans. _

_ Oh well, it was fun either way.  _

_ Leo shifts as he hides near the back of the room in the dark. His view to the main room clear enough that he could see Raph holding their father's hand as they walk over to the T.V. room where Mikey was no doubt entranced by his cartoon.  _

_ A burst of distant high-pitched laughter only confirmed his thoughts a few moments later.  _

_ Looks like Leo had to be the last one found now before the whole game ended officially.  _

_ Stupid bedtimes.  _

_ As he watches both his brothers now hold their Daddy's hands, all of them now searching for him, Leo takes the risk and moves further within the back of the room and in through a maze of boxes, squeezing himself deeper. There was no way they could find him now! He giggles to himself a bit as he presses himself as much as he can in the dark corner and behind a few boxes full of things Splinter's found.  _

_ Leo sits there, grinning to himself as he hears his family shuffle around their home, his heart racing in a childish thrill as he hears them pass the tunnel that leads directly into where he was hiding. He silently pleads in his head that they'll go past and not look any further, repeating it quickly over and over, swearing on his favorite video game that he'll do anything if it means he'll win.  _

_ Sadly, his pleads and promises fell on deaf ears since he hears heavy footsteps rushing into the room he's in. It makes Leo gasp slightly and jump. He's going to be found out!  _

_ That's when Leo hears the sound of boxes shuffling beside him, the same place he may or may not have knocked his shoulder into. He slowly looks up, eyes wide, as he silently watches the top box topple over. Leo only has enough time to make a shocked yelp before he's drowning in clothes, the box big enough to fit over him, and his now covered body.  _

_ He slightly panics as he shoves the clothes off of his face and head, taking in a deep breath, the clothes making it hard to breathe. He freezes in his movements to get out, though, when he hears little nervous voices calling out to him, muffled by the box and clothes.  _

_ "Leo!" _

_ "We heard you! Are you okay?"  _

_ "Come out where ever you are-" _

_ The slider in question immediately pulls the clothes over his head again, his little beak poking out so he can still breathe the stale air in the box as he stills himself, trying to listen for his brothers. He will not lose again! He is the all-time champion, and it will stay like that! Even if it means he has to be in a box!  _

_ More shuffling sounds, worried calls, and reassurances from their father as they continue to look around within the room. Leo lifts up the box slightly to look around, surprised to find dim light outside the box. He didn't hear his Dad turn on the light. The slider uses one of his eyes to look around carefully out of the box. He needs to see how close they are to him and where he could go if he gets chased after- _

_ Leo pauses. He wasn't expecting to see two eyes staring at him. _

_ Well, almost staring at him. _


End file.
